neither fair nor grace

教授說..

2012-01-02T23:12:00.005+08:00

「當花瓶也是需要力氣的！」

原本是在討論消費、女性主體及從消費經濟獨立是否就得到自由，還是女性仍逃不出框架、擺脫不了另一種理想完美女性的意識形態。但突然一句帶有黑色幽默的評語從老師口中冒了出來。全班笑得不可開交。不過，老師可是一臉誠懇，似乎無奈現今社會的花瓶也不好當這一回事。

後來，課間休息時，老師還特地準備茶點，犒勞我們，以為這門課的最後一堂課劃下甜甜的句點。雖然老師平時要求嚴格，但貼心的一面也淺而易見。無論如何，今天上課的氣氛好好。一學期下來，雖有不捨，但獲益良多。

最意外的事是晚上收到了老師的email：

Dear L,

感謝你一學期來提供了很多有趣的 food for thought. 很高興你修了這門課！

Prof H

榮幸榮幸啊。

紀念

2012-01-01T07:44:00.001+08:00

親愛的..

紀念

擁有的、

失去的、

錯過的、

疼惜的、

思念的、

感動的、

受傷的、

放不下追不回忘不了又說不出口的..

種種時刻。

這麼樣。
就一年了。

二〇一二。

我們的故事。

待續...

precocious tears

2012-01-01T07:11:00.007+08:00

L, you too. You are a very special daughter to mommy and I. You are always in our hearts. We are happy when you are. When you are down, we feel it too. The past is over, the future is where happiness is. Be strong, my dear. We love you always.

-C

this short message brought about the first tears of 2012...

sometimes, we cry because we're upset. sometimes, it's the tears of joy, or we're moved to tears.

and sometimes, we don't know why the tears fall, but these are times that words of comfort are useless.

you just need someone to be there to hold you, to catch your tears, simply because you're too precious.

你的眼淚

我漂蕩在無邊的海洋

當觸碰你晶瑩的淚光

看那清澈的純真倒影

有了一絲一絲愁煩

我浮游在無垠的雲端

忘不了你飄渺的淚光

像露珠透著無限光芒

像雪花映照一聲輕嘆

你的眼淚不懂滄桑

不懂世間原本該什麼樣

可是冷暖偷在你心中打轉

天上人間都隨你蹙眉惆悵

你的眼淚無邪明亮

若有天堂一定是這模樣

只盼辛酸莫叫你眼神變暗

就算疑惑就算了然

我浮游在無垠的雲端

忘不了你飄渺的淚光

像露珠藏起聚散飛翔

像雪花帶著無奈飄降

PROJECTWOo'1TWO

2011-12-31T23:48:00.007+08:00

Being organized is a big thing for me, to be precise, a BIG obstacle.

As it always ends up in the 'New-Year-Resolutions-that-I've-FAILED-to-accomplish' list. (not that I've ever penned down any new year resolution in the past.. but well, at the back of my head, I always cheer myself on to be a better person when the world celebrates a new start while the calendar restarts its counter once again.. okay, technically not but still.)

SO now, I shall have a NEW plan to help me accomplish my 2012 resolutions. *beams proudly :) The game plan is, I'm gonna write a little 'something'- caption of a photo, short stories, verses, or simply share some lyrics, poems or memes, whatever-the-catch-of-the-day... for every single day in the year 2012.

Hmmm... writing??!

Shouldn't the agenda be cleaning up my room weekly, putting things back to places where I took them from, stop littering bags/dirty clothes on the floor and leaving the real litter like lunch boxes from a fortnight ago on my desk...

I figure the physical clutter is not as bad as the internal intangibles.

It doesn't help to have a clogged brain even if I've become Martha Stewart and my room is in sparkling condition decorated with... papier-mâché roses? SO before my divergent thoughts drive me mad, I must start writing. I must find a place to house all these words and some random ideas that float in my brain before they slip away. By untangling all these knotted balls into finer threads of digested thoughts, I would train myself to write more coherently and speak more succinctly.

Let's hope I will cultivate enough discipline to pull this off.

THEN, the aforementioned stuff starting with 'D' will make my resolute to accomplish things that I want steely strong! Aha, and thus the 2012 resolutions of:

1) Adopt healthier habits- sleep at night, work in daytime, hit the gym, eat more greens?

2) Make someone's day everyday- say something nice and mean it, do small sweet favours?

3) Be a better daughter, sister, niece, cousin...

4) READ instead of speed-read

5) Move on......

499..5...

2011-12-19T04:34:00.004+08:00

when i was a kindergarten kid
bedtime meant "let's count sheep!"
the lovely white fluff leapt like ballerinas
over the rainbow, one by one
and before i knew i was in dreamland

after thousands thousands of nights
who could have known
the innocent lambs gave way to nightmares?
the colours drained away
just as the mascara ran after each tear

more than an ocean away i lie in bed
recounting the days relive each story
which is the last smile that was truthfully meant for me?
dolce vita, the time spent with you evaporated
condensing into a pool of bitterness

day one, we met...
a tale about the beginning of the end
silent like the thief of the night
this is an unsung song
till the very last day of January

...almost 500 days of summer.

離家出走

2011-12-13T17:36:00.003+08:00

每隻螞蟻都有眼睛鼻子
如同台北市大路小巷都大同小異
轉角就是7－11全家康是美屈臣士
記不記路名有何關係？

街景是不熟悉的新人生舞台
到處的告示牌霓虹燈螞麻麻密密
四四方方的字體她不認識
「我說的話。你，到底，聽。有沒有。懂？」

夢幻中城市裡的美景一幕幕消失
變成夢魘裡一輛輛吐煙的怪獸
彼此追逐看誰先能把她吞噬
快，逃進繁忙的夜市！

擺脫了碳黑二氧化碳又遭
油膩美味的炸雞排厭惡的臭豆腐撲鼻襲擊
想放棄離「家」出走
在人海裡溺斃前…看！

那是一盞掛在101的燈
像燈塔指引
越來越大，離「家」越來越近
但家鄉那綠草地只剩海市蜃樓之影

新娘子回來了
看著她外籍老公
咬著不舒服的台羅音節
說：「對不起…」

看了《我的強娜威》和《Pinoy Sunday》（台北星期天，不過我更喜歡它的英文片名）
老師要求我們寫1000字的報告。但在我吐出4500多字的專題報告後，頭腦裡整下的思緒片片斷斷，所以我就，嗯...只將它們縫合。做了一首不到300字的新詩。
阿彌陀佛，希望老師會手下留情。善哉善哉。

這是我的溫柔

2011-12-10T06:19:00.005+08:00

分手前，我們互相傷害。
分手時，你解脫了。
沒想到，分手後，我仍讓你持有傷害我的能力...

「你還是要幸福... 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭，所有錯誤從我這裏落幕。」

凌晨時分，聽到這麼一句話，哭得稀裡嘩啦。
我還是很怨你，也...原來，還是不能釋懷，但你還是要幸福。
除此之外，你似乎沒什麼能為我做了。

不。

其實，你能為我做的，還有另一件事
－讓從你生命中我徹徹底底地消失。
當作我們沒有過去，也沒有認識。你的記憶裡沒有我這個人。
分手後，你覺得你看清我了吧。覺得我糟透了。怎麼喜歡上這樣的女生？
很後悔自己之前的愚蠢，為我掉過眼淚很浪費吧？

我聽說了。
你對周圍的朋友說你前女友的不是。那女主角就是我。
對你而言，我可能只是一場噩夢，再慶幸不過能從噩夢中醒來。
不經思索說我壞話，沒什麼大不了的，反正那是你認知的事實。
但遺憾的是，我不爭氣地只記得你的好；
殘忍的是，我...說不出你的不是；
要是說了氣話，心裡閃過的，不是你醜陋的一面，而是失去的美好。
朋友心疼我，數落你時，我還是為你說話...
我還是太在乎你。
知道你只記得我多麼不堪，提到我時，只剩惡言相向...
像被人凌遲。
所以...請你把我從記憶裡刪了。

為你說話，我不是稀罕做什麼好人...
只不捨得你背著所有的罪名。
但做好人，原來。真的。很累。
沒有捨不捨得，最終只換來疲憊。
夜靜下來，一人獨處時，想著惦著戀著...
你過得好不好，騎車時是不是又出了小意外；
有沒有和爸爸又起爭執，發悶氣或難過的自己躲在房里哭？
思念只能化為默念。
我，不能再為你說話了。

不能為自己辯解，也不會有人為我說話，我只能安靜的。
不再為我心目中的你辯護。

ZX

2011-12-05T19:52:00.004+08:00

死小孩，你說我才要擔心長大變老這回事。
太過份了，你怎麼能就這樣永遠不長大？
今年的12月，再也沒有一聲「fellow 死小孩」了。
你好好地睡吧，我心目中永遠的小男孩。

死小孩，生日快樂！
· 19 December 2010 at 02:33 ·

imagined wings

2011-11-29T04:41:00.003+08:00

a sudden wish to fly home just to hug everyone dear. (or wherever you're located right now.) after which, i will soar and return to taipei, for i've no wish to end this lucid dream. not yet.

and i still want to fly to you, the invisible tag.
just to take a peek while you sleep.
before all memories blurred
and pass me by.

...directions?

2011-11-01T04:05:00.003+08:00

not that the actual number matters a lot, but as i age, shouldn't i know what i'm doing with myself? the restlessness should go away.

不是錯誤

2011-10-04T00:13:00.002+08:00

La douceur qui fascine et le plaisir qui tue.
Ô toi que j'eusse aimée ô toi qui le savais!
-Charles Baudelaire

“令人迷惑的柔媚，那般醉生夢死的愉悅
... 你，我或許愛上，你，該曉得。”

波特萊爾的《致一位路人》，英文翻譯版常見，
我‘集思廣益’後，把最愛的兩句詩句譯成中文。

你是否也只是個過客，不是歸人？

19個月的分別

2011-09-19T06:06:00.004+08:00

21歲。不過就是個數字嘛。但也不然。
在日本20歲是成人禮，我國（依立法來看）21歲才是合法成人。若你早些過生日，你不就得在大選和總統競選時投票。（國家大事，就暫且不談了。）所以，當你又想：“what's the big hooha about turning 21?”，不解（或也不屑）大家大肆慶祝時，不如想想看你的21歲，應該有甚麼意義。你對自己有甚麼期許、對家庭有甚麼責任、對社會甚至是整個世界又將有甚麼貢獻呢？

有些答案，我自己也還在尋找，不知道我能為家裡、周遭的人事物付出些多少.. 也不知道能為你做些甚麼。不過，我常常有一種想保護你的衝動。（雖然你這麼高－＿－用不著我保護）但是，我還是想維護你、為你出頭說話、支持你做你的軍師或是聆聽者... 也希望把我有限的經驗濃縮後和你分享，讓你不必那麼辛苦不用走一些我曾走過的冤枉路。

但想想，你若自命懂事成熟的話，我的“金玉良言”可能派不上用場。:P 更何況你的腿這麼長，多走些路，也不費甚麼功夫。可是，有些事我老早就想說，但是你總是不能抽出寶貴的光陰應酬我。有時，多答兩句話就像是要你命，我搞不懂那是我選錯時候寒暄，還是你的問題。反正，乘現在，我就說我的，（也不用看你臉色）你就耐著性子，讀下去吧。

儘管我只大你一歲，但我們的生活體驗，其實迥然不同。從小到大，媽媽總是會覺得我比你幸運些。出國的機會比你多、參加的活動也比你多，雖然中學後我成績未必比你好，但交遊廣闊的姊姊、也常遇貴人相助，似乎是隨心所欲，沒有遇到任何挫折，事事一帆風順。但是，事實不然。生長在同個家庭，讀同間中小學，小時候我們的起跑點是一樣的。即使有再多機會，若我不表現、不突出、不爭取、不堅持，我也沒辦法踏出去看看不一樣的世界。

媽媽可能認為就我較幸運罷了，但是我可以告訴你，要吸引別人的目光、要贏得別人的贊許認可、要證明自己與眾不同，這一定不是光靠運氣。若你曾默默地埋怨過，為甚麼姊姊每次都有出國的機會，那現在你或許試回想看，你是否有多付出多表現，爭取自己想要的。我。不。是。要。炫。耀。也沒甚麼好炫耀的。只是希望你明白，有些事不是偶然僥倖罷了，而是個性使然。在報館對立的上司都對我很好，給我機會也幫我不少時，媽媽又認為我幸運時，你知道嗎－這也絕非偶然。職場上的生存之道，也不是我這一兩年才開始學習到的。當你選擇做些甚麼不做些甚麼，我就選擇從小打工，學習外界的待人處事。

有時我會想，要得到外界的認同比得到家裡的肯定，還要容易。因為，我的弟弟，可能會想，她憑甚麼。媽媽或許會把一切歸功於運氣，而爸也不過認為，怎麼樣都好，反正都是為了自己，把我看作新生代的自立及自私。說幸運的話，我倒覺得你比我幸運多了，我們一家都很疼你，媽媽是，爸也是（無論你懂不懂），我也是。我也認為媽媽是偏著你，最近也為此和她大吵一架。我不是埋怨她，偏心本來就很難避免的。

我知道她也很疼我。但我是真受不了她要裝作大公無私，不能認清她自己更偏護你的行為。我也知道我脾氣壞，好勝心強，做我父母，也很可憐。想做孝順的女兒，卻每每不能和媽媽和平共處。有你在，我很放心，因為我知道，你和媽媽會處得比我和她好。你成績好，我一直都是以你為傲，不會因此感到有壓力要做得比你好。但生活上，你的有條不紊、責任感、節儉持家，都是媽媽看重的優點，也全都是我的弱點。

母女之間總是有一種很微妙的關係。
她也用她的方式表現愛，煮我愛吃的、打點我生活上瑣事。但我累了，不想媽媽每次都把我的弱點放大來看。（在外，我常被稱讚獨立自主，但在她眼中，這似乎也更像是缺點。）我並不是想為自己辯護，但確實感受不到媽媽給與認同。所以老實說，出國留學，除了能因興趣而學習，我開心的是能獨自在外，雖然會想家，但鬆了一口氣。我也不知道為甚麼我的對抗性會這麼強，不怕起衝突，但幸好你是屬於比較溫馴的孩子。如果女孩子該怎麼樣怎麼樣，或是得柔順才是個好女兒，那我似乎還欠些甚麼，但你卻完完全全補足了我身為女兒所有的不足。

21歲，應該有甚麼意義。你對自己有甚麼期許、對家庭有甚麼責任、對社會甚至是整個世界又將有甚麼貢獻呢？－－－你將來在事業上能做甚麼、該做甚麼，我不知道。你也未曾和我分享過你所抱有的夢想。但我對21歲的你說了這麼多，以上的一切一切，只有兩個重點：
1）性格掌控命運。若要改變命運，就得改變性格。不是要你變得更像我或誰，而是要你更實在的認清自己的個性，做出適當的調整以追求你想要的人生。
2）你對我愛理不理的態度，我也倦了，但非常感謝你是一個好兒子，讓我能跑遠一點，和家裡保持一些距離，而不用和媽媽一直起摩擦。

總之，不論我多想盡姊姊的職責愛護弟弟、或是倚老賣老不停地念著有的沒的，我都希望你幸福快樂、不希望你受傷、不捨得你被任何人欺負（朋友、另一半、上司，任何人... 除了我例外。 :p）但我一直碎碎念也沒用，成長不就是在跌跌撞撞中，一直繼續勇往直前，我們才會蛻變吧？

（我一貫在家是報喜不報憂，但你最好別學我，還是希望你呢，任何時候有問題，會找我。）

祝胸襟闊達
。視野廣闊

gnelkom

2011-08-12T01:53:00.001+08:00

莫林其妙的心痛。

moving on.

2011-07-17T16:32:00.002+08:00

don't do this anymore.

stop backtracking.

語言學導師說：

2011-06-27T03:50:00.003+08:00

作業收到了，又是一個有趣的主題，而且看得出來你寫這份報告又更用心了。
你有很高的才華，只是你的表現不很穩定。從你的敘述中，更見出這點特質。
你似乎處於一種煩躁的狀態中，對自己不很瞭解，對未來也頗茫然，但是內心又有很強大的力量，大膽地帶著自己四處闖蕩。

很高興你從上台報告的經驗中更加認識自己，看到自己一些寶貴的特質。
我們的人生都只能靠自己帶領，你要善待自己，讓自己過得更自在、更安穩、更光彩。前題是，要看到自己的價值，要懂得提昇自己。從你敘述的諸種擔憂中，你很難否認，你沒有自知之明，而且到了一種離譜的地步。若空有才華而不自知，就太遺憾了。千萬別讓這樣的憾事發生在自己身上。不要再浪費精力在無謂的擔憂上，而是靜下心來，好好認識自己，引領自己。相信我，你會看到無比美麗的自己。

祝福你再上層樓！

真心話。

2011-06-12T22:40:00.001+08:00

生日快樂。真正的快樂。

choked

2011-04-08T01:15:00.013+08:00

this is one of those days...

when i could deceive myself into accepting your sympathy.

today i'm fired.
i had called up the tutor recruiting centre to request for a new tutee. the lady on the line asked me to transfer funds to the same bank account. again. before she could introduce new assignments to me. there goes the last few grands in my bank account meant for this month's rent. the only comfort i've is that the introduction fee could be recouped in 2 weeks once i start on my new assignment and in a month's time, i would make enough to pay for this month's rent and meals.

that is if i manage to get another assignment that could last more than a month.

that is if the tutee doesn't finally decide she fancies learning Japanese more than English.

that is if the parent could accept an unfamiliar accent.

just an hour ago, i scrolled through my phone book, looking for someone to talk to. only at that moment i realized- i'm truly on my own. i didn't confide in anyone i got to know in Taipei. these friendships are too fresh.

being jobless is the least of my problems now.

and only you know.

the only people i could ever imagine telling are 1) sherhan or 2) mommy and cindy.
if i told sher... i can't, i just can't. i'm ashamed. as for mommy and cindy, i wish that, you, as their son, would come clean with them. they've been treating me like a daughter. the immense guilt and the whole pretense have became more than what i can deal with. they thought it's the breakup. no, it's you. you and those words- "i can't.." my weekly conversations with your parents made my heart swing like a pendulum. on one end, i'm thankful for their concern and love. it reminds me how it's like to feel loved as though i'm family. on the other end, the guilt and grief catch up with me. sometimes, i'm on the verge of screaming at them, "why? how could your son be so fucking selfish? if the problem lies with me, if i'm the bitch who deserved this pain, then you guys should leave me alone!" but they have been most kind and loving towards me. they surely don't deserve my outburst and i'm still not ready to just cut them out of my life. this is the very last time i'm going to cry in front of your parents. who am i to upset them and make them worried sick?

those tears of guilt and bitterness, will you ever know? i can't go on hoping for time to rewind.

when a dream is the reality

2011-04-06T22:10:00.012+08:00

i can't cook. i don't know how to do this chore, or have time to complete that task..
someone gave me a hard push, i went crashing onto the ground. my knee were bleeding. i could see scraps of my skin being tattooed onto the concrete surface.

"i can sketch for you, i can download songs for you
and i can cook for you and i'll love you."

those were the words of yesterdays once whispered into my ears.
the jolted memory pricked the spot where it hurts most.

"hey, wake up, do you wanna go up with me?" lun asked.
i blinked, blinking away the tears; i stared at the person in front of me.
for a moment, i didn't recognise her. i wan't even sure where i was.

i must have fallen asleep on the sofa in the lobby.
my Taiwanese girlfriend had just saved me from going through such similar dream once again. those dreams aren't just dreams, they are real. you did walked away. i'm indeed miles away from home, away from all of you and that guilt is real. that is a pain that breathes.

i'm afraid to fall asleep, too fearful of such dreams.
don't tell me it's just a nightmare.
it isn't!

nightmare doesn't haunt you in school, at work, or every idle second when your mind wanders.

lie to me

2011-04-06T04:52:00.009+08:00

i don't know what has gotten into me.

a good weekend trip that sweet talked the brain into thinking i'm faring better?
a long skype convo with best friend and i forgot about reality checks?
or is it the whole-month-zero-contact made me overconfident and i thought i can do this?

i don't know.
but one thing for sure, is, having courage is just not enough.

after deleting him off facebook, skype, msn.. whatever,
it doesn't mean i've deleted him from my life.
emails had became the only contact point.
and after that last email, it's good bye to me and all that guilt tagging behind,
good riddance no? did that cyber face-to-face moment caught you off guard?
judging from your reaction, it must have. then, that's too bad.

summer is here faster than i thought it would.
i was only talking to mommy and daddy 2 weeks ago about our trip in May,
and now, it's already April. the school has just sent a reminder to all:
it's time to book lodging for any family or friend coming for the graduation in June.

remember that little kiddy game on the cereal box?
you've to draw some line to join the dots, then you get the whole picture.
this is how one thing leads to the other.
the dots linked up together and i thought of you time after time.
summer. graduation week. room reservation for visiting family. your impending trip.
23 June, the day i look forward to most, for many months,
now became the day i dreaded most.
"what should i do.. what should i do... this is my only chance."
the only chance to be alone. to find out if what had happened,
really had some meaning to our lives.
why?!! why am i still stuck in this lousy stage of..
"finding-(or worse still, GIVING)-some-meaning to it-all". pathetic.
not that any Q&A between us would help any more.

yes, i'm still in love with you.

but no.
there isn't any need to worry about you, worry for you or prepare anything for your trip.
"settled." that's all you said.
i see. the joke is on me. all the time wasted on unnecessary planning.
how should we face each other? worrying about that is redundant.
i shouldn't even think of it.
obviously, the reason you wanted to come to Taipei for, has ceased to exist.
now, it's just my wishful thinking. how silly-
to hope for, love. and an apology in person.
that i've been made to fend for myself alone.
to think of, these two weeks will become precious memory.
to worry that, what consequences it might bring.

i've forgotten that you're incapable of love;
you don't see yourself this way of course.
it's my fault, i should have reminded myself of this constantly.
and stop harbouring any hope that what i've went through here alone,
has made you learnt something. or that, love, isn't about just you not getting hurt.
all we can do is go hiding from the ugly truth. sadly i cant hide from myself.
else, i would flee too, if i were you.

oh right, i've forgotten about it, again. you've let someone into your heart.
run to her, let her be your lover aunt agony and heal you. hold you till you're better.
so did you? talk to her about my call, get some comfort, then drift off to sleep
in the mid of studying for exams, gaming online and basking in love?

on that fateful day, 1 March, i wished fervently, someone could be here with me,
to hold onto me as the blood flowed.. or just gave me the support i need.
the very person whom i trusted.

have you ever seen so much blood.
from your own accidents? maybe.
when you bled, doesn't it hurt?
but at least you remained intact, somewhat.
i bled till there's nothing left in me.
it's no accident. i've lost due to despair.

if grief is not enough,
another serving of disappointment sure helps to take some bitterness away.
"do not do this anymore, do not let others have control over your life anymore."
i repeat this silently.

lie to me.
don't just apologise.
don't say you can't fix anything.
we both know that's lie.
you can. you can fix this.
lie to me.

a bit over a month

2011-03-26T05:18:00.007+08:00

the forgotten one.
the one whom we don't speak of.

pushed to the back of the mind where the unwanted clutter resides.
maybe memories aren't worth much, specially not those of me;
then why am i still holding onto such a beautiful belief, the one which fails me?

i do not know anything anymore.
am i leading a life which i'm proud of?
have i make you happy? have i make a difference in your life?

it doesn't matter if one has found joy.
it doesn't matter as it has been found and it can be lost.
"i can be happy on my own," so i told myself, "even if i'm not happy now."
all that's left to do is to find a purpose for the present.
"this is gonna be nothing when you look back." isn't that what they all say?
most likely, they are right, this is nothing. at most, shattered pieces of distant past.
they better be right.

i'm okay,
because,
that's how i replied everyone;
i'm going to be okay,
because that's what i've told myself.

surviving life

2011-03-22T02:25:00.005+08:00

something is dying inside me.
or is it.. something inside me has died.

philosophy classes aren't helping. but the never ending Questions and the lifetime quest for answers (which existence we doubt, at least i doubt, as a sceptic) are good distractions from my life itself. some of us lead lives full of vulgar mundanes; some lives are naively built on foolish desires and beliefs; while the rest of the population simply struggles to survive... life.

that, too, sums up my life for now nicely: mundaneness, hopelessly hopeful for the wrong.. things, and struggling to feed myself.

i'm not new to the role of a starving student.
i'm trying to make ends meet, while running against Time, or am i fighting for more time? dear Time, please bloody upgrade my day to a 72hours version. i need time to work. i need time for studies. i need more time to find more sources of income. i need more time to be a decent daughter and a caring sister. i need time to move on.. i need time to push me into a future where you will never appear again.

go on.
just go on, soon you'll be looking back and laughing how pathetic those church mouse days were, and how great it is once you managed to survive some hard knocks.

even these words of encouragement sound weak and hollow to myself.
weak and hollow. stuff that my soul is made of. weak and hollow.

cleaning up the mess..

2011-03-01T02:12:00.000+08:00

to fulfill the prerequisite for starting afresh.

it breathes and lives

2011-02-24T21:31:00.005+08:00

scared.

solidarity is when you've to face consequences, in the sea of strangers, alone.
while, courage is when you take charge of your own life and live with your decision.
am i brave enough? can i do this on my own? or should i take the other way out?
what if this is the wrong decision to make, do i have a second chance to retrace my steps, i don't. just one wrong step, it will be the silent guilt i live with for the rest of my life. only those who are scarred the same way, will see me, for who i really am.

this is a physical pain.
this is a pain that will always breathe and live.

you can't

2011-02-24T20:11:00.009+08:00

where do i go..
god, if you really could hear me, i pray for courage. i pray for wisdom.

---

"not emotionally. i cant give."
because it's too recent. give it time.. you need to give it time..

i want to give us time.
I WANT TIME TO MOVE FASTER, I WANT TO MOVE ON.
you don't want to be tied down, guess what? i don't want to be trapped too.
i hate to see myself dwelling in the past, a past that could be trashed into bin
when one of us leaves, when one of us has fast-forwarded into a life where the other person doesn't belong.

yet, this time round, i don't have time. i need a plan. a decision. a life altering decision. most of all, i need a chance.

responsibility, love and fear, ultimately you chose fear. the help that you can offer is meaningless, do you know? what i needed most is something only you, no one else, only only only you could give. yet, that fear of yours is so great. being emotionally inovlved will hurt you? you're afraid of getting hurt so you can't.

you can't..

you can turn a blind eye and live your life.
you can choose to give and stand by me.
you can try to help, and pretend that you've done your best to your ability, the ability limited by fear, the selfish fear of getting hurt.

you pull away from me for the fear of getting hurt. you said, a part of you is dead.
you never knew i wish that i'm dead.

if you don't love me, i'll understand. i wouldn't call up a person who don't love me for support. i wouldn't be so stupid to risk such a rejection.

it's not that i'm not afraid of getting hurt.
trust me, each time before i bare my heart out in front of you, i'm already hurt.
i know it might be another futile attempt to let you know i've faith in us, i still try anyway. i hate myself for being useless at holding back tears. this is not just about being emotional. it hurts so bad, real bad, by showing you again and again how vulnerable i'm when i face you. i hate myself for crying for you, in front of you. it disgusts me to show my weakness time after time, when i know you could only walk away. if i could, i'll disguise i'll hide my vulnerability and be the one who walks away. even if i walk away to hole up somewhere to cry my heart out.

there is a constant stream of pain. it started from the day, when you acted like you could fuck the whole world without a care and still come back to me because i'll still be there for you. after accepting and believing that all it matters, is the emotional attachment, the story unfolds with another character, so i'm still hurt once again. you're not the only one who tried to see things from my point, i've put in efforts too. you've your own set rational and theory and i always buy it because i believe you. yet i'm hurt.

this is not a competition and i definitely don't want to win this race. other than being hurt, i still face you even when i'm scared. and now, i'm carrying the fear with me everyday. this is the kind of pain that breathes and lives. after being hurt too many times to ignore, it's time to rescue myself. by fencing myself up, being unreachable so maybe no one else can be allowed in, i thought maybe i could be safe. but now, i'm at the most difficult crossroad in my life. i need to hear your voice, i need a confirmation, i need support, emotional support.

till now, your words are still ringing in my ears, your own voice rejecting my silent plea. don't you think i will fear this moment? don't you think no matter how you've been pained, i've suffered no less?

should we have known we will bring us heartaches.. will we steer clear of each other and not cross path or will we still embrace passion which only leads to disaster?

---

"i don't know you anymore. actually i don't really know you."

think. please stop justifying and just recall. when have you stop taking time to listen? really listen to me with your heart and discover something new about me every now and then, not just putting up the perfunctory show of "being there"? please don't take it the wrong way again, it pains me to realize that too, when we talked, you weren't really there. and to see you brighten up when you read certain text messages, her messages? it hurts that i'm no longer that person who brings that smile to your face. when we slipped away from each other, you're busy getting to know someone else better. you're putting in efforts to cultivate your r/s with her, yes, it's a r/s that finally surfaced, while reassuring all we need is time, 2 years. just give us time, you said.

you don't know me? i'm the fool who thinks you're the s...

救我

2011-02-24T01:23:00.003+08:00

再害怕
再想念
都不可以
打電話給他

不可以
林笨蛋
聽到了嗎

你，不可以

你不需要同情

'oh, happy birthday.' she whispered to herself on your behalf.

2011-02-16T01:51:00.006+08:00

i miss you terribly.

the dinner at bedrock was awesome, not for the food though.
it was my girls who made me feel i'm still so so so lucky.

the comfy big bed that i'm lying on now feels empty.
the twin bathtubs weren't that fun too.
he's sweet and caring she's drunk yet lovely but i'm still getting over an asshole.
not quite successful..
no?

i miss you.

好痛

2011-02-10T02:58:00.003+08:00

呼吸時會隱隱作痛
這是時時刻刻的痛

再累卻睡不著的日子
又糾纏不清

回家只想倒頭大睡
憋著氣直到眼前的世界消失

喝下通往夢境的解藥
寧願杯里的酒是孟婆湯

能不能一了百了
能不把你當氧氣就好

and.. so it is.

2011-02-08T20:07:00.005+08:00

i've no doubt that i'm not much of a writer, not a brilliant one definitely.
i still went back to the office where i left nearly a year ago. i need to feel useful, i need to write, so as to seek comfort in the very environment where neurotics breed. ironic, isn't it?

despite we've only arranged work for a week, this short period of hectic schedule helps me cope. being always on the go... penning the life stories of others... work has never been such a relief, until now. maybe it's a tabloid journalist's habit. maybe it's just me. i would dig out any first hand information i could. and it wasn't hard. she always uses part of her name as input for the domains. after a few combination and permutation of her nicknames and proper names on all the major blog hosting sites, there we go, at least 3 free access materials.

the cringe on your face.
i always remember how you laughed at my language.
after reading her writings, i still defiantly write this entry in English.
how mocking.

the differences between you and me, are too many to count. but this is a fact we've known since day one. what i didn't know was, how could it become your exit excuse too? i didn't know the distance was too vast to overcome? "i don't want anyone, i don't want you or her. if i've to choose, i'll have none of you." you once said this to me when i was still in taipei. after reading your text to meimei, after telling you that i did so, after hearing it for myself again, "she's my girlfriend, i want her, i don't want you." and.. so it is.

there is a lie in every belief.

your new names

2011-01-29T07:07:00.006+08:00

asshole, jerk, bastard, cheater..

all these names are empty words. they don't serve their purpose of hurling me into the reality. i know the girls were just trying to beat some sense into me, but all the name-calling just became constant reminders of you. i've stopped defending you; there's no more strength left in me, only truck loads of stupidity.

心甘情願，選擇做個笨女人。怨不得人。

the book that burns me

2011-01-29T06:23:00.007+08:00

they teased him about 'Dina'. they laughed at the latest gossips. they talked about their university lives and any other random topics that came up. i was not really there with them, barely contributing to the conversation. at best, i was only pulling an half-ass effort. a smile, plastered onto my face, was working its charm as an amulet. i hope it would ward off any unwanted attention or question. but i should be glad for their company. in fact, i should be grateful for any forms of distraction now.

after dinner, we went for first round of drinks. soon, we crossed the streets to our next destination. more drinks followed. soon, when it was time to call it a night, i panicked. i couldn't go back so early. it would be many hours before i could drift off to sleep. so i suggested supper even when my stomach had almost reached its full capacity. they gamely (or was it gravely?)agreed and made their way towards the east side.

the food was tasteless.

the problem lies with me. i'm just buying time, hoping for less alone time. i need to escape from myself. where is my mind. where is it? i need to do exactly what you said- mind over heart. the book that lies on my bed now, belongs to her. it is already five forty in the morning, i still can't get over it. should i give into the urge to run to the bus stop, hop onto the first bus and go to your place to drop off this hot potato. i badly want to return the book. it's burning me.

i didn't run to anywhere. it's six fifty seven now, i remain in my bed.
i'm afraid to invade your personal space so suddenly, afraid that you feel suffocated that i'm being cranky and clingy. i'm clingy, clinging onto to some hope.

the truth is, i'm afraid to see someone else in that L-shaped space in your bed.

最後..

2011-01-23T15:56:00.004+08:00

..讓我感動的是，她的眼淚。
媽媽真的捨不得我。看起來媽媽比我還要難過。
在心疼我的同時，她在擔心自己的兒子是否會再犯錯。
再次傷害另一顆心。這一點，我不能為他打包票。
不過，我希望他不會後悔他的決定。

我得到了難能可貴非親非故的親情，失去的卻是..

a new day

2011-01-17T21:46:00.005+08:00

even when she's not that hungry, she could eat a cow. it's amazing how she had just gone without eating for 2 days.

what good is all these hiding to her? i don't know, nothing much, i guess. she's back to the same ground. she ignored her cell phone, she wouldn't answer the door or pick up her dorm phone. another call came. a name closer to home appeared on the screen.

she forced herself to eat some soup and broccoli; those were the only items in her fridge. she couldn't finish that bowl of food without feeling disgusted and almost vomited. splashing her face with icy tap water, she looked up into the mirror above the basin. a pair of swollen eyes stared back. then, she carefully applied her makeup, put on a new pair of coloured contacts lens. she gathered the pile of clothes that she just stripped off and deposited it in the laundry basket. layering a red parka over a short dress, she pulled a wool hat over her messy hair. she wore her favourite over-knee length boots.

almost there.. she thought to herself. she took a last glance at the mirror, ditching her failed attempts for a last try. a wistful smile. at least, it's a smile. somewhat satisfied with her effort, she locked her door behind her and stepped out into the cold streets.

looking at the transformation, i thought she looked good enough for a night of wild partying even although the weekend had come and gone while she hid in her shell. in the mid of a conversation, she wasn't really there though. it's easy to tell. it's the faraway look of those misty eyes.

how could she lock herself up.

最後一個月

2011-01-17T01:54:00.002+08:00

在日本，20歲者必須行成年禮。而在我國，當我滿21歲時，就是法定的成年人。但，這一年來，我待人處事是否有別於過往、是否更加成熟穩重了、是否有長進？還有一個月。但我.. 還有時間力往狂瀾嗎？是否已經錯過了黃金期。

我離開前，你為自己定了一個期限。這次，我也為自己定一個死期，死心之期。到時我再蓋棺而論吧。

not the one

2011-01-12T21:20:00.005+08:00

an advice from the girl with the radiant face:

that simply means he's not the one.

her words aren't meant to be bitter. she's an exchange student, who came to Taipei for a mere 4 months to complete her credits, after which, she's done with school. ("for good!" she laughed.) all that is left for she had to do, is to finish off THAT linguistics paper which tormented the both of us. the very same paper signifies the start of a path which i hope i'll not regret after 4 years.

"and then i'm done! :D just gonna wait for my fiance to join me here to travel and party for a week before heading back to the States." she beamed at me.

there's something about her. her aura.
it gives off some much sparks that i feel her presence had lit up the dorm lobby. that infectious smile (which nothing else recently had been able to) had lifted my spirits, in a bizarre way. she's beautiful, big and tall. but what was stuck in my mind- the image of her tanned skin, great smile, and that halo. her love for life.

her positivity proved to be too much for me. the happiness that she eluded is so glaring that it felt like i've been staring at the mid-noon sun for too long. dizzy spells.

-------

"FIANCE?!" i shrieked.

after dating the younger guy for 4 years, she told me she got engaged not too long ago, although she's only going 24 and him 23. despite the fact that her parents have not been informed of this special seal of love, she still believes there will be a happy ending for them. it's not the age that matters to her parents; they wanted her to marry an Asian, preferably a Chinese, but he's a Latino, so a big no-no..

"really.. you'll know it when you see it. he's the one. you might not realize it from day one, but certainly there will be signs." the very words that spilled from her mouth, were words that i thought i believed in. but now, this is just an abstract concept that escapes me.

before we said our good nights, she mentioned something along the line of- if you're the only one wanting it to happen, it simply means that he's not the one.

i'm in a state of limbo, heavily peppered with confusion.
(but i know, the likelihood of the letter staying unsent, has just went up another notch.)

only you

2011-01-12T06:00:00.009+08:00

i've taken the whole of last night to write the following note and stored it as draft on Facebook.

[but, it's highly possible that i (again) dare not send out a letter that i already wrote, for the fear of trying and failing. somewhat, it's more reassuring to know that if i never try, i've technically not failed. the outcome.. simply became what it had to become due to... the invisible force at work! at least, the (feared and failed) outcome was not a product of my intervention with my words.]

nicky

when i asked you for your schedule, we both know this will go either way-
us not meeting at all or we'll spend any borrowed time together as much as we can. yet, it seems.. you've no intentions to holding onto me, or us i should say?
no qualms that this may be the best solution for us.

from that moment i replied you, "don't do this.." (don't ask for my flight details)
i hope you get it- you can't be there to pick me up with someone else in your mind, in your heart.
you should have known that, when i finally worked up the courage to admit to you, i love you, i've given my all. using all the courage i could command, feeling like this is using the last trump card, i wanted us and now i still do. what i certainly didn't expect, (especially not too long after my heartfelt confession) you've to put us through a test, asking me what if there's someone... what if? how silly. i should have trusted my instinct and tell you directly back then, no, don't do it, no what ifs.

instead, i trusted you over myself.

..trusting that you'll not be serious, you'll not bear to cause hurt to me.
temptations sure as hell do exist, but how could i trust you to play the field and even when your emotions are swayed, i thought you'll keep them in check and things would not develop? (i do resent you for not keeping to your bottomline, for not even bothering to curb yourself before it goes full-blown, the disappointment is huge, you can't imagine the impact, can you? i broke down on too many a night. but right now, i want to forget about all these.)

till this day, i still refuse to believe that you fell... that.. i can't bring myself to put it into the very precise words again. you can say the words i can't say, to another audience. not me, not ever again; it cuts like razor.

(i'm in denial. she's an infatuation.)

still, i believe your words: you could fuck the world and come back to me. even when you confessed about it, i lied to myself, it's just a passing infatuation, either she's or i'm, ha, and waved it off. (but... could it be me? maybe it's me, that is why he's not willing to do anything about it now? my confidence is currently in bits and pieces.. i don't know it for sure now..)

you know what hurts the most? you telling me that you love me, yet still hurting me the same, when you know i can't share, when you know it will hurt me, big time. i can't. i simply can't. (i wonder, you don't know how badly this is eating away the girl whom you did fall in love with too a year ago, or did you choose to turn a blind eye, to avoid handling the mess?) the thing is, i've compromised on anything else i could to please you, to make this (your on-hold concept) work, to give us a chance. i tell myself, i don't want us to end.

is this all that it takes to overtake what we share?

starting from the days, when both fought against the feelings they had for each other yet sought comfort from each other, as one of them was going away from his past, and the other one was so uncertain about her (then) present. then she gave in, confessing her true feelings, hoping for a new start a proper start of their relationship, waiting for his reply at the bus stop. dramas followed. after which, finally there was a silver lining, he came to terms to his own feelings and fears, although they didn't proceed on as how they could have been (a regular couple) if not for the misunderstanding and mis-communication, they still continued to see each other.

she had met the bitter the angry the un-trusting nic who had teared in front of her due to varied causes- an ex, parents, loss of dear ones and his own future. he was the very embrace she sought when she cried over an ambiguous r/s, when she was stressed out, frustrated, tired or sick and during times when she cried over her family.. they've been there for each other through the better times and the tough rough patches. all of that till now.

i know, you've told me again and again: you've reached a stage, you don't need or want anyone. honestly, i wanted to ask, what about us, it's not just about me. what about wanting to be who you are, when you're with me? me, the someone who reassures you when you've issues, the someone who gives full support to your dreams, who pampers you more than she cares for herself. because, i thought the feeling was mutual, wanting the soulmate we found in each other? i want my soulmate, the someone who grows with me, who is not afraid of going through shit for me and even had gotten down because he doubted his ability to cheer me up.

baby, i've tried my damn best; i've bent my own beliefs, although i can't lead your kind of lifestyle, i love you for you. and now, i've hit rock bottom, i don't think i can go any lower than this. this. is the limit.

i can't live in the shadow. because of love, i choose not to judge flaws and faults i accept i forgive readily, but it doesn't anesthetize the pain. how much faith am i supposed to have in us? what you don't see/know is that, this is not my faith ebbing; it's my sanity, gnawed. can't live in the shadow anymore.. the shadow of the girl who i used to be.

this is me, at my lowest lowliest, swallowing any pride that is if i still have any, making an attempt to change your mind.

is there a chance you may change your mind?

will you be willing to try? for me? to at least curb yourself now, to stop showing her your affection, to cut back on interaction? and slowly, will you lock it away? will you one day, stop having feelings for her?

i've said it, i'll say it again.

"only come and fetch me home from the airport if you truly love me."

please be true.

(maybe i'll post this privately and tag him before i fly home. maybe i'll put us through the trial directly and see if he shows up.. if he did, maybe i'll be happily snuggling up to him in bed while he reads this off his mac.. if it is a no-show, maybe i'll pen it down, send him the hard copy via snail mail, and say, this is how low i could go for you. but no more. so please do me a favour, if i go looking for you, push me away. you know if i could, i would have walked away from all these heartaches many times ago, but i couldn't!! so.. be cruel, be cold and unfeeling since you cannot afford to be true to me. delete me from your life. till we're ever ready to see each other without memories of these scars.)

劇終

2011-01-09T03:19:00.001+08:00

不想。
不相信。
不該相信。
不能再次掉入深淵。

18年

2011-01-08T13:15:00.001+08:00

假如你爱一个人，
但你也介意这爱情可有收获时，
你只是为爱情而经营爱情而已。

假如你能够爱一个人，
而不介意对方会不会给你同等的爱时，
那你已经迈进了一大步。

甚至你明知道，
自己所付出的爱是不可能有回报，
但你仍然无条件爱他时，那已经无话可说，
那是真正的爱了。

－吴韦材 (2003-04-07)

犯賤

2010-12-27T16:46:00.003+08:00

忍不住，臉頰又溼了。

剛剛念到的：求則得之，舍則失之。
不正是給現在的自己最佳的勸言嗎？
我放棄了自我，失去對自己的尊重？

不會向友人訴苦.. 自作孽不可活也。

當忍耐達到極限時，我不會再為你落淚。

the morning after

2010-11-29T08:17:00.001+08:00

then i realised i don't belong to anywhere, or anyone.

a love that dares not speak its name

2010-10-22T02:29:00.008+08:00

sleepless nights on replay
foolishly hankering for the past
yet another day
only the painful images stay

what could make it so strong
a longing that doesn't belong
the silent expectation that would sound a gong
or just more seduction served up in thongs

recycled confusion disregards sensation
have talks been disconnected
our hearts going through another round of dilution
or was it disillusion reenacted

i'm closing the doors
you don't have to crawl
this is a song no more
because my faith went out of stock

morrie

2010-06-15T18:32:00.004+08:00

have you read tuedays with morrie?
have you met your morrie?

i've met mine.

...and i love him, more than i should.
more than what i would dare to admit.

do you think my morrie know?

for my funeral..

2010-05-02T21:01:00.007+08:00

please play this song. thank you.

nocturne
now let the day
just fade away
so the dark night
may watch over you

velvet blue silent true
it embraces your heart
and your soul
nocturne

never cry never sigh
you don't have to wonder why
always be always see
come and dream the night with me
nocturne

have no fear
when the night draws near
and fills you
with dreams and desire

like a child asleep
so warm so deep
you will find me there
waiting for you
nocturne

we will fly claim the sky
we don't have to wonder why
always be always see
come and dream the night with me
nocturne

though darkness lay
it will give away
when the dark night
delivers the day
nocturne

the original version has only 24 words.

la dagen få
sin hvile nå
og natten vil våke for den
nocturne

se mørket må
engang forgå
så natten kan føde en dag
-Norwegian

directly translates to:
let the day take
its rest now
and the night will awaken/watch over it
nocturne

behold, the darkness must
eventually cease
so the night can give birth to a day

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturne_%28Secret_Garden_song%29

迟到的肯定

2010-04-07T01:34:00.005+08:00

原来。

我曾经很重要。
不敢自以为是的我，刚从你嘴里听到。

虽然己事过境迁，但庆幸能回到原点。
还能说说笑笑，直视你不再尴尬的瞬间。

谁说过的抱歉、说不出口的那句最后防线；
记不记得那时说的话，慢慢的.. 都不是焦点。

这不是句点，是重新面对面、微笑着的起点。

无泪

2010-03-15T23:40:00.007+08:00

這就是一個欲哭無淚的故事。

水缸：不能擁有，不能負荷，但對你的喜歡超載... 抱抱我好嗎？
海水：我也喜歡你啊，不過你的容量..只有那麽一點點...
你不能完完全全擁有我。我也抱不了你，你承受不了我的所有所有...
（語氣怎麽像是在哄小孩？）

海水：我只會從你身邊流(溜)走。
在岸上的水缸很認真地思考，慢吞吞地說了一句：
我不能包容你的一切嗎？
海水微笑著搖了搖頭。

水缸有點哀傷..但突然她開懷天真的笑了。

話未說完，她縱身一跳入大海。

“不要......！”

這就是一個欲哭無淚的故事。
因爲大海不知道那是海水還是淚水。

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

2010-02-02T02:54:00.003+08:00

never say never. idealising the him/her for us, we laughed when we looked at the one we now hold. couldn’t two seemingly different worlds collide? habits formed, secrets swapped, the dreamers just spiralled closer towards each other. old wounds, albeit almost healed, reminds, ”maybe this’s a game, a lie, another mistake that we made.” lucidity and emotions don’t co-exist, now i do feel silly. afraid of falling, of the pain and loss, i know everyone has to entertain these little voices whispering of those fears. still, i’ll stay; for the magic doesn’t lie with the three words but you.

"i think i need a new heart"

2010-01-29T14:05:00.007+08:00

don't we all want a renewal, an exchange,
better still a refund for the damaged goods
(that fragile organ whose value is slashed again
and again in the bargain for love)

do you?

picture credits: timothy cook
http://www.silencieux.net/

she (part I)

2010-01-29T14:00:00.014+08:00

13 Jan
drank, yet, was awfully sober; she kept her smile in place, (only if they knew this is the secret methodology of micro-managing her tears) then she dreamt a lil' dream of melons and cigarettes, scissors and happiness, coffee and yogurt, running and ...

... woke up from it all. mindful of the gin the tequila the beer the mess the clothes the stranger in bed who she couldn't recognize in the mirror at first glance. "honey it's time to go.." began the silent monologue. awesome, she thought, knowing the routine too well. far too well by heart, she picked up the pieces after herself and left. she tried to pick up. or did she..

14 Jan
danced, with a fever. she wasn't ill; it was the light-headedness. she couldn't feel her feet, how could she? in that state of delirium, even a twisted ankle would be neglected. her partner's scorching touch had her anesthetized, and induced euphoria...

...her waist, the small of her back, and the under-curve of left breast where his finger last glided past, now all bore his brand- the subtly potent scent. his aftershave? perhaps, it was just the soap. vertigo, in the name of love, would it last, she wondered.

可能

2009-10-16T02:10:00.005+08:00

放纵自己，过着不属于我的生活，像爱丽丝落入不同的世界。
时间过得记忆中的日子还快，也可能是记忆的影子被拉长了。
眨眼瞬间，再怎么努力都想不起，这段日子是怎么过得。
恋上...所谓的“可能”。

Pascal's triangle

2009-09-27T01:13:00.004+08:00

when addition becomes complex, i'm amazed that this already knotty affair has room for further complication. i've failed A.Maths umpteen times back in school. i had taken home a 3/50 for E.Maths. yet, when it comes to Binomial theorem? i'm gifted in creating expansions.

2009-09-25T03:50:00.008+08:00

不是浪漫的不期而遇
更不是什么命中注定
纯粹应该只是工作关系

一雙會微笑的眼睛
曾经迷恋过類似的神情
但我知道
這扇窗通往不一樣的心靈

油腔滑调的调侃
有意無意參雜曖昧不清
但，这种对白不具意义
所以，内容我从不去记

却也是同一张嘴
能安抚人心能善解人意
用说的用不说的
我都听得进去

坚定的语气
不由得你不相信
不容你去质疑
他的诚信

（即使他只是在玩把戏
我也选择在谎言里溺毙）

有溫度的雙手攔截住了
一滴淚水坠落之际

明白被捧在手心
卻並非就是珍惜

但如果沒有遇見你
我將會落在哪裏

feeling like i never should

2009-09-19T13:10:00.011+08:00

living a life that i can't leave behind
while every day my confusion grows
i'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that i can't say

why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

i'm not sure what this could mean
i don't think you're what you seem
i do admit to myself
that if i hurt someone else
then i'll never see just what we're meant to be

___________________________________________________

han thinks i'm falling..
there isn't any love, actually.
(or at least, i'm still in denial..)

maybe.

i know, this's not quite it.
yet, there isn't a better term to label this feeling.
over infatuation, beyond friends, not merely physical.

bizzare, yes.

virgin clubber

2009-09-16T19:04:00.005+08:00

decision made.

i'm going clubbing (or mambo, that is) tonight. and my nerves are tangled like the mop on my head, also known as hair. i wonder why.

definitely not because this's the first (perhaps only) time.

mind-mapping:

"MAMBO"
-v
-han
-W
-v
-v
-v
-...

fatalistic optimism

2009-09-15T03:35:00.004+08:00

L: loneliness is easier to deal with than disappointment.

W: life's simple, fill with surprise, everything is a surprise not a chance for disappointment dear.

that reply came as a curve ball.. she must give it to him, a come-back of mid-sentence stopping capability. simple yet brilliant. and she knows, this's his signature.

4 days old friendship at 1am

2009-09-15T02:55:00.013+08:00

Wanted: cougar says:
*i have another job to work now
*things we do for money
*is it worth it? selling your soul

-ménage à trois says:
*你在出卖灵魂？hmmm...我想也是。
*没办法，谁叫你的肉体不值钱。

___________________________________________

-ménage à trois says:
*and that's not the worst
*the worst is i'm fcuking dumb/mule stubborn
*when it comes to r/s.. if i fall in love, i fall hard,
*that flat-on-your-face kinda..
*i simply dont know how to break my fall with
*hands or just get away with some abrasions on
*my knees.. i think i've painted that picture of my
*kind of FALLing in love very well..

Wanted: cougar says:
*that's the awesome part, and also the shit part, really
*it takes alot to be willing to fall completely in love
*and i like that
*maybe its masochism

-ménage à trois says:
*no. the awesome part is i'm so serious kind of 100% giver

Wanted: cougar says:
*男人不坏，女人不爱 :P

-ménage à trois says:
*the shitty part is the lucky bastard took me for granted

Wanted: cougar says:
*well, you see the light now?
*run!
*run away

___________________________________________

Wanted: cougar says:
*so, that's why i ask, what's in it for you?

-ménage à trois says:
*easy
*companionship.

Wanted: cougar says:
*i guess. the feeling is pretty good sometimes, when you're lonely

-ménage à trois says:
*someone who is not just a taker, and clicks on my level,
*and amazingly is my cuppa-tea (well, pure infatuation
*at first now i know, it wouldn't grow into love, that's why..
*now i'm happy yet worried..)
*happy knowing, he would be a friend in long run
*worried, because, HA, i get sense of security from knowing
*i would NOT fall for somone, how sick is it.

Wanted: cougar says:
*you're just afraid to fall for the wrong guy

Wanted: cougar says:
*well, enjoy the superficiality, it hurts less
*i want somebody who isn't into the deep emotional crap too
*it's tiring sometimes

___________________________________________

Wanted: cougar says:
*like you, i'm afraid of the future too

-ménage à trois says:
(:
**HUGS

note: 可以想到超越明天的未来，是幸福的。
如果还会机会去担心前程，是奢侈的。我感恩。

恋人未满

2009-09-09T02:22:00.006+08:00

ménage à trois.

that, explains a lot, but (not) w/o the sex.

*edited: 29 Oct

明白

2009-09-06T18:56:00.002+08:00

過去只不過是
一張張的幻燈片、
一曡厚厚的舊照片、
一本已結束的日記簿。

(:

愛

2009-08-28T13:11:00.000+08:00

和你的過去只不過是一場幻燈片。

緊握過的手，是誰的，不再重要。
因爲我。變了，成了... 沒有溫度的戀人。

不能不忘記，不能不丟棄，
這一切已經過期。

當時的我。
相信。

現在，渴望。

time after time

2009-08-03T01:35:00.011+08:00

lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
flash back warm night, almost left behind suitcase of memories
time after sometime you pictured me
i'm walking too far ahead you're callin' to me
i can't hear what you've said then you said,
"go slow, i fall behind" the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey
watching through windows you're wondering if i'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

you said, "go slow, i fall behind" the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

time after time

just as i uploaded our photo, i've backtracked and recounted every single thing you've done and i know, will continue to do for me. the times that you're simply there, sometimes without any words of comfort, it's sufficient. your silent presence feeds me ample of reassurance. and this song which is stuck in my head, eerily just played on the station which i tuned into, is perfect for a dedication, to you.

this's not just what you've done for me time after time.

"if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting
time after time"

it's also my promise to you.

it's just..

2009-08-03T01:28:00.003+08:00

the road i choose.

the end.

2009-08-01T07:16:00.007+08:00

subconsciously, i had set an ultimatum to cure my stupidity- his birthday. it came and passed, yet nothing had stirred. boiling down to a foregone conclusion- i shall waste no more time chasing love, waiting for the past.

time's not the best medicine, but its determined steps would silently prod you on. no one else could reverse the effects of time. still, there's memory for keeps.

so before memory is laid to rest..

every text that i saved (the sweet ones, naughty ones, bitter ones...) were all gone with that phone lost on my birthday, uncannily timely. yet i just don't have the heart to delete any photo of him, of us and the one taken in instant photo booth sleeps in the organizer i carry wherever i go. the handwritten cards were hidden and the venues of hiding forgotten. only to have all the contents, each word every line stamped in my memory. in my head, his child-like smile started to fade. in my heart, its charm not yet lost on me. the last book we bought was banished to an unknown corner of my room, gathering cob webs. the first book we read together, The Time-Traveler's Wife shall always remain as my favourite. the mere sight of UOB One credit card could no longer command the whole platoon of my tears. now only when i see the same initials on print, i'll freeze on the spot. SUVs with Hella lights couldn't cause any more heartaches, nor any black 7 seaters. but i can't help not taking a 2nd glance towards the driver's seat, secretly wishing that maybe it's you. i had long ago blocked him off MSN. still, while looking at his 21st party photos on Facebook, i noticed there was a spot beside him, where i could actually ~~fit~~. someday, maybe even my mental image of him would twisted till an unfamiliar blur took his place. but the CK In2U Him lingers and had me stopped in my track, hoping to trace it back to him in the sea of crowd.

...the possessive arm which wrapped around me. the constant teasing of my geeky spectacle. the silent quit of his smoking and absence from clubs. the unspoken rule of no endearment which resulted in me nicknamed simply as -girl. the midnight walks back home. the overnighters. the mental snapshots of his family. the supper club of ours, with so many places yet to been. the marathon of movies we watched which unfortunately outrun our relationship. the entrance of her back into the picture, the one (ex)girlfriend who really matters. the unexplained M.I.A. the tears, well, next i became the story of just another girl.

the sudden death of a cherished love.

best memory.

2009-07-23T07:25:00.005+08:00

she stayed up all night just to watch each gentle rise and fall of the chest which curled against her. the boy slept peacefully. she wondered about what he was dreaming of, specifically who, as she noted a small smile playing on his lips. carefully, she leaned in, closing up the bare distance between them, planted a kiss on his lips, thinking that she would love to wake up to this face everyday.

the boy could always read her like an open book. yet him, stubborn by nature, would always upset her on occasions when he refused to share his feelings. despite him keeping thoughts to himself and the constant teasing, she forgave his flaws once the night fell, once the boy slept like a child. all the mischief in the day would melt away, leaving a quiet air around him. she could hardly hear his breathing with the low hum of the overworked computer in the air-conditioned room echoing in the background. with the flecks of light blinking off the power buttons of his computer and other gadgets on the desk, outlining his silhouette, lending him a touch of innocence, almost angelic, the whole scene seemed surreal to her.

to reassure herself she wasn't dreaming or making this up, she gingerly raised her index finger tracing his brows, sliding down his nose bridge, lightly brushed against his lips. she reached out for her phone on the bedside table to check the time. it was going 4am. no wonder her eyelids were struggling to keep open. the boy stirred. the curve on his lips was about to disappear as she closed her eyes, snugged closer towards the boy and whispered, 'good morning, love. good night, angel.' another smile decorated the dreaming boy's face.

a girl by any other name would be as sweet

2009-06-24T20:49:00.012+08:00

notes: 1) i'm really honoured to suggest names for S's niece.
2) i've been producing names by dozens yet..

months ago
'my sister likes some of the names, as in how they looked on black and white, but she doesn't like how it sounds.'

weeks ago
'thanks darling she went through the list, she likes a few but she would like to know if there's any other better ones.'

sometimes ago
'she actually likes the word 恩 and the word 熙 but.. (did i mention i HATE B-U-T) she doesn't fancy them together in a name.'

minutes ago
'she prefers names that are SWEET, please come up with something SWEETER and cool?' [gawd.. personally i HATE sweeeeet names too, i simply wouldn't want to suggest any girlish common names with all the 婷s，秀s, (no offenses) or their other deviations.]

the thing about names is, i correct myself, the thing about GOOD names is, there is so so so many perceptions and image projections towards them. there's hardly a name that will please all.

IMHO, a good name possesses a meaning, no matter how shallow it beats being meaningless. the name should be memorable, by that i mean unique, not too common and overused like 陈欣怡 in 《命中注定我爱你》

it would be easy on memory and as easy on the tongue, you don't want others to have problem rolling out the name. also, as nice as it sounds, it should look good on the paper, for Chinese characters, it's all about proportion. e.g. 馨一 vs. 芯伊 of course the latter looks better, with the usage of space balanced out.

last of all, a good name goes well with the surname, especially Chinese names. after all, who would blame you for scoffing at a name like 庄有财 (zhuang you cai sounds like pretend to be rich.) there's something else, which i don't care, not when i don't even know how it exactly works - 笔画，the number of strokes in a name will 'affect' the destiny. *shrugs*

trust me as easy as it appears to be, naming is TROUBLESOME. (which reminds me of my Retail Branding project, when we had struggled to come to a decision about changing our subject's name, a local lingerie retailer. we didn't change it despite we all knew we should due to weak ears and the soft-heartedness developed for the 'insider' brand story. well, we were being marked down for our sentimental decision.)

back to topic
so being the responsible me, *chuckles* went crazy with the names again. i named, i modeled the names into girls of distinctive personalities till i could almost see their faces and figures oh-so-clearly. it was like building characters for my novel, except that this story is about a harem of females without a man.

list after list of names, this round i sent an email of my 'characters':

hey sunshine.

this naming process is so so so tedious, not on your sis, but me!! the last round i must have included 10? or at least 8 names, which are all mercilessly rejected and well, i've thrown 'em out of my mind too. NOW.. all these are today's brainstorming results. and lol. i'm crazy, the following shows how the names indicated/shed a hint or two on the personality of those girls (my imagination+perception). of course, i love #2, such a MAN name. lol. XD

seriously, #6 #1.. or #4 laaa.. and #4 can be reversed to qiao en.

CANDIDATES:
#1: she's gentle, kind and musical.
her name's 高恩沁 en qin(4), filled with gratitude.

#2: jovial, witty and sporty.
personal favourite 高烁恩 shuo(4) en, brilliance/gratitude.

#3: beauty, sophisticated and smart.
thy name 高倩怡 qian(4) yi, alluring/happiness.

#4: playful, feisty yet romantic. none other
than 高恩乔 en qiao(2), gratitude/beauty.

#5: ambitious and womanly.
dramatic 高可欣 ke xin(2), agreeable/happiness.

#6: femme fatale. 大乔小乔，三国
倾国倾城。高宇乔 yu(2) qiao, vastness/beauty.

#7: sweet and innocent. a random sweet
name 高雯歆 wen(2) xin(1) talent/envy

#8: ~~cool and~~ not awfully sweet but still will do.
高悯绮 min(3) qi(3) empathy/radiance.

love, and best of luck to me your sis
loony

and i hope 1 of them would be printed on S's niece birth-cert.

the angst teen in me, came late

2009-06-24T17:48:00.019+08:00

in a corner of the crowded mos burger joint, em nudged jermaine to get me some tissue, while nodding sympathetically to my sob story (literally and physically). only to have jermaine and rod fascinated for the wrong reason —— why there wasn't any black streaks of tears caused by ruined mascara. grrr.. hello, it wasn't my intention to end up in puddles of my own tears, hey, who the hell would have 'crying' on their agenda list. yet i did it, twice, first was in han's car on the way to her 20th MacDonald's pajamas party, and now, the encore. it was simply the stress which stemmed from home, overran.

my parents didn't give the understanding and support i craved. (see: past tense, i'm taught to know better) the culture of asking about each other day is not cultivated in my family. i can live with that, although sometimes, i secretly wish that brother of mine could do more than just barking/grunting when i care about him. instead, i either scream at him for that lack of manners or i give a fine-i-couldn't-care-less look. sometimes, the disguise slipped, i kept my peace and walked off sadly. communications is at its worst when i talk to my family.

what started out as giving a short account of the incident (cell phone stolen at work), fueled by my dad's bad temper, accelerated into a shouting match. at least my dad matched back with every statement i made, whereas when i reasoned with my mom, the best line she managed every time to end things —— 'you know i can't out-talk you, you're pro at talking back.' all the eloquence escapes me when i seek for comfort at home.

el⋅o⋅quence /ˈɛl ə kwəns/, -noun
the art of turning every word pleasing and gentle on ears, rather than speaking as it is, matter-of-factly as i do, be it in my debate competition or household arguments.

the only difference is it hurts. big time.

whenever my mom dishes out her best line, (just because simply she knows that she's not in the right) it feels like a slap across the face, stinging and ringing soundly in the ears blocking out any other noise. she has no clue the power of her words as of a mother would make such a violent impact on her strong yet actually sensitive child. while dad's words are more like paper cuts, would make me bled, but more often than not, it's a senseless careless mistake. when his impatience and temper caught hold of him, he blabbers without thinking. his angry rants/bitter comments are even too flimsy for me to be bothered with defending myself.

"......WHAT KIND OF WORK IS THIS? HOW COULD YOU EVEN MANAGED TO GET YOUR PHONE STOLEN??! (you made it sound like i wished for it) I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE YOU WORKING! WHY YOU'RE WORKING. I HATE THAT LOOK OF YOURS, LOOK SO TIRED (how could i not be when after a whole day of incident have to deal with your ranting?)........."

all the strength left in me, was injected into, "I ALSO WISH I COULD NOT WORK AND LAZE AROUND LIKE SOME FILTH RICH MISSUS." and that gained me silence, he walked away, defeated?

i don't wish that i'm trust fund baby. i never grumble about having to work and support myself, and i think it's only right that i save up now to put myself though university education.

so please stop Stop STOP STOP STOP

..thinking i'm earning to splurge, to pay.

you jolly well know how much i earn per month, when i hand over the paycheck to be banked in. and i try to give 1/3 of it to household, but sometimes i could only manage 1/4 or not at all, like this month when i've to replace my stolen phone. the rest of it, i spend it without GUILT. i've tried my best to manage my own finance. tried my best to do my sum and await patiently till i can afford my school fees plus living expenses.

there are friends who care about me, who felt indignant for me, who thought that you should be thankful for a sensible and labourious child. no. in your eyes, i fall short. i'm not that independent and responsible girl that others know. i don't do housechores enough, i'm untidy, careless and absent-minded. i don't deny my flaws. just that...

sometimes, maybe just one day, you'll look beyond the flaws, and feel proud of me too. maybe, you'll know i'm not that happy-go-lucky, not the ultimate optimist girl, even if i build up a brave front pasted with a smile.. just listen AND support me for once? if i don't have your understanding, at least don't twist my meanings and comprehend it on your own terms.

not only your son will get depressed.

i do too, at times. and you don't see.

daddy's (selfish) girl

2009-06-09T05:18:00.016+08:00

“现在的年轻人都很自私。” 老豆似乎是在 ^借题发挥。
他对＂年轻＂所定下的范围应该指的是X世代和Y世代。
所以我也被他的竿子打伤了。

>_< *无奈的叹气
“上一代的人看下一代，总是觉得不这么好。”
我任性地答道。“不是说你们不好，你们是比我们聪明，
比我们厉害，能干；只是说你们太自我了。”他说。
　－可是有什么用呢？你们都是为了自己。

“可是有什么用呢？你们都是为了自己。”
BINGO！一字不漏，他的台词我也会写嘛。

我不否认是为了自己，人不为己天诛地灭。
在不设年龄的前提下，每个人都有私心。
但，二战前后出生的大人多数都不看好子孙这一代。

说难听点，他们觉得我这一代人——
［私心＞良心，良心≥零］

而他们上一代人当然相反的就是——
［良心＞私心］

对两代公民的道德落差所下的定论——
［XY私心＞BB私心≯XY良心］

（不知道其他发达国家家长的思维方程式是否和令尊一样）

我却觉得老豆有的是甘榜精神而不是社会主义吧。
抛开经济、政治的那一块，单单从道德与社会的立场来看，
老爸真的是守望相助、热心公益、能舍己为人的代表。
而我能办到吗？我真的不知道，或许可能但总觉得自己
没那么伟大（和刻苦耐劳）。可，我也不是见死不救的人。
话虽如此，我的同辈确有很多自扫门前雪，莫管他人瓦上霜。

老豆的阿信精神、甘榜精神，我是学不来的。
像爸说的，老李（先生）的大计是创造一个独立自主，
孕育优秀人才的国家。果真，我们独立、经济富裕、
培育杰出的人才，但．．．社群主意的理想似乎没有
被传承下去。老豆说，他没眼看下下一代，也看不到。

我心想，我如果是我这一代的代表，真的有令你这么失望吗？
*在好好反省中...

说真的，老爸，你是个好人，但未必是个好家长。
而在你眼里，我这个女儿也不是孝顺女。我承认我不算是。
我也认同我是崇向个人主义，不过重点是，个人主义并非利己主义。

我会自私，可是我也爱你。

不要怀疑，我用自己（自私？）的方式爱你胜过爱自己。

父亲节快乐。

when i ought to shut up

2009-03-24T20:41:00.007+08:00

"where's your brother.." he asked offhandedly while removing his shoes. there wasn't any acknowledgment to that nor his existence, as i continued to stare ahead blankly. his eyes repeated his question silently and more firmly. "he's dead." came the dead pan reply. immobilized for the moment, he was rendered speechless as that wasn't within his expected range of answers

"how could you say that of your brother?" he chided softly after regaining composure from that mild shock. i shrugged nonchalantly, although my insides were burning with fury at his son for some cause that i could no longer remember. he didn't pursue further and left me alone to deal with my dark mood.

i'm terribly childish.

end note: thank goodness his heart is strong, free from any ailment, else a daughter with such wicked tongue could have triggered countless of heart attacks.

in other words.

2009-03-19T07:41:00.005+08:00

fly me to the moon
let me play among the stars
let me see what spring is like
on Jupiter and Mars

in other words, hold my hand
in other words, baby, kiss me

fill my heart with song
and let me sing for ever more
you are all i long for
all i worship and adore

in other words, please be true
in other words, i love you

that was the first song came to mind when i hugged the lamp post.

hitchhiking- part II

2009-03-18T17:38:00.011+08:00

2. when a stranger offers you a ride..
the humid weather was almost unbearable, even for someone like me who don't mind walking just to sweat it out. but just as i stepped out from my tuition kid's condominium into the embrace of the relentless sun, i could feel the unsightly damp patches were forming on my tee under my armpits. i do like my kid well enough, but i detest the ulu-ness of this Mount Sinai. seriously, where else would you find bus feeder service in residential area ending at 8pm daily and non-operating on Sundays??? i swear that if i'm ever that rich to live in such a private estate area, i must must must have my own mode of transportation.

i dragged myself towards the dreaded bus interchange which is at least a good 15 minutes away. because it was a SUNDAY. ): BUT i must have accumulated enough good karma. (: just as i passed the security post and stepped out of the condo, a van which just turned out from the car park, made an U-turn and stopped beside me. the driver offered me a ride out of this ulu place, then further decided to drop me at my destination. on the ride, the kind uncle talked and talked, his "friendly" chatter never stopped (guess driving alone is really boring?) till he said something that totally threw me off. 'you know.. as i was driving out, i saw you in front walking under the hot sun. then i was thinking with the long wavy hair caressing your back, nice legs, the back view was seductive enough. i guess you must be a pretty girl..'

??? how was i supposed to react? beforehand, he went on and on about education and his children and his parenting golden rules. now what? are you trying to hit on me? seductive? holy crap. sounds damn wrong. at that point of time, i stared ahead, thinking he's crazy and has real bad taste. i really wanna scoff at him, and tried to hold back my laughter and my nasty reply. instead, i made up a humorous conclusion for him. i said, 'oh.. yaaa.. i'm a classic case of Beethoven- Bei Duo Fen, meaning from the back (bei) i score a lot of points (duo fen) but when i turn around, totally CMI..' and then i made a Ru-Hua face and smiled at him. you should see his expression - PRICELESS. to cover up the awkward silence which ensued after the guest appearance of Ru-Hua, he muttered, 'no laaa.. my guess was right, you're a beautiful girl, but aiyoo.. you youngster nowadays.. and must take care of your skin.'

heeeelllo? uncle, your aesthetic standard is rather screwed i say. you didn't pick up a sluttish woman scantily clad in her sexy clubbing gab at Clarke Quay. you had offered a ride to a tutor who unwilling woke up before sunset on a Sunday and couldn't be bothered to dress up at all. for the few closest selected ones who saw me in my barely-awake-mode knows how terrible i would look, Ru-Hua is a worthy competitor. i was donned in my old grey ROUND neck tee (for the benefit of those who wanna make assumption of visible cleavage) and straight jeans with my dirty melon havaianas. my face was bare (and that's rare, usually for my own vanity and the safety of the weak-hearted, i would always slap on minimum concealer before i set foot outta the house) because it was too early and i was too lazy and that ulu place had zero human traffic.

a deadly combination of dark eye-circles, scary complexion that would make Sadako (face covered by hair) more bearable and a whole head of unruly messy hair. wow, i'm truly beautiful, no matter what they say... words can't bring me down.

oh. for those who hadn't have a chance to meet Ru-Hua, may i introduce her to you now:

hitchhiking- part I

2009-03-18T16:07:00.009+08:00

1. in the nick of time

panic would be an inadequate word for that moment. the examination had commenced at 6pm sharp, and there i was at 6.04 flagging for a cab d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e-l-y and of course it was unsuccessful. (things always don't go your way when you're already having a shitty day.) after a twist of events that led to the traffic jam, and of all times, the rain had to join the fun to rub it in. what a cherry to top off my sundae.

that evening, there must be countless of drivers witnessing a lunatic weaving in and out of the traffic which moved like a snail at the rush hour, waving at cabs and cars. those bastards safely secured in their cars smirked, ignored her and drove off once the strings of vehicles picked up speed. it was mad. MADDENING. those cabs which were hired, fine, no grudges held against you. but how do you explain EMPTY cabs that didn't have On-call signs on? they simply zoomed past, turning a blind eye to the frantic woman and through their rear view mirrors they could lip read those standard expletives off her lips. this was one instance that i wished my level of profanity was on par with han.

almost giving up hope, i spotted a malay uncle beside a stationary bike, towel-drying his helmet by the prata shop. it was 6.10 by then. i ran towards my last chance.

'can.. can.. i ask for a ride on your bike to school?' *out of breath
'..huh? school.. where?' *surprised
'temasek polytechnic.. i'm late for exam and there's simply no cab available. i've to wait for 10minutes even if i call for 1.. please help me...' *the teary look that Puss used on Shrek
'......okay. i trust you girl, bring back to here after your exam alright?' *handling the keys over
'NO.. uncle, i don't mean it to borrow your bike, i can't ride.. can.. you send me there?'
'hmmmm.. okay..' *stunned

it was six-TWENTY!! omg. it was only an hour duration for the paper. -__-
while the bike was still acting on inertia to stop, itookoffthehelmetjumpedoffhisbikethankingtheuncleprofuselywhilememorisinghiscontactnumberandhurdlingupthestairs(yes,hurdling,thestairssurelookslikeobstacles!)andsprinting towardstheLT. just like that whole sentence without punctuation or space, i did that whole chain of actions with a breath, just like a scene out from an action-packed movie.

a movie named 'duckling's series of unfortunate events'.

换个好玩的话题。

2009-02-03T02:40:00.010+08:00

今天在我临出门前，和妈咪讨论了包红包的哲学，才意识到这项
艺术真是博大精深啊。我想现阶段的我还是专心收我的压岁钱吧。

虽然并没有把红包里的钱看得很重，但这一定是长辈给予的祝福
的最佳指标。不一定是大钞越多，长辈越疼爱你。以个人的经济基础
为准，和平时的待人处世之道，加上等客观的条件如：经济萧条，最终
在这个大人决定包多少给晚辈时，就是一种亲与不亲的证明。

比方说，甲君收入良好，一向斤斤计较但逢年过节，一定为家人买这
添那的。身为后辈的你，虽然觉得这亲戚很会精打细算，但受到他的
大红包时，是格外的喜出望外。并非是钱多而感到高兴，而是觉受到
甲君的心意。尤其是甲君递红包给你时的那句“学业进步，不要乱花！”
你就会知道这长辈的刀子嘴豆腐心的 pattern了。心里会甜甜暖暖的。

但也有不怕丢脸的，年年包的红包是少到一种境界。有时我这个夫家
那边的小孩会想，若是她娘家的小孩，她是否也会这么吝啬。其实，钱，
我自个又不是不会打工赚；但红包嘛，本来就是一个心意，当然要包得
出诚意啦。尤其是明知大家都特别疼爱她小孩，在经济许可下，都会以
大红包作为含蓄爱的宣言。我妈也不例外，明明觉得很过分，却年年如此
照包大红包给她小孩。而且，还是一年比一年多，因为小孩长大了，所以
我妈认为理当如此。这每年都作的亏本生意真叫人无奈啊。

虽说我妈不是一个以牙还牙的欧巴桑，但还是会发发牢骚：
“真是*米昂搞搞，假牢牢*！”

我忍不住没大没小地打了一句：
“那她岂不是会活到长命百岁？”

我妈笑得乐不可支。

（用了方言说：*面厚厚，吃老老*。意思:厚脸皮的人吃得多，吃到老。）

cherchez la femme

2009-02-03T01:38:00.013+08:00

when a man behaves out of character or in an otherwise apparently inexplicable manner, the reason may be found in his trying to cover up an illicit affair with a woman. - wiki, verbatim.

how apt a phrase to use in my context. han asked me to go with my instinct, 'a woman's intuition is scary.' and so is the truth revealed. it wasn't so much of the fear factor that it's affirmative. this is the stage for disappointment. great display of such emotion would become blasé.

'if he didn't change for the worst, and things are pretty much the same, why expose him and hurt her?'

to forgive once and even allow the luxury of trusting you again, seemed to be a mistake. 'though, she's still blissfully ignorant, i bite my lips not to tell despite all the irrationality. that argument above, floated into my mind and was being chased and chided by my.. moral fibers? (of its foundation is largely based on truth and honesty)(which is being shaped by his+her kindness and their way of life and now shaken by his.. infidelity.)

when one fouls for the first time, and you decide to give a chance. i deem it as his/her fault and give you the credit of being magnanimous. BUT (a very fat and ugly but) this creep screws up again, are you still giving chances? it would be your problem to misplace your trust again.

that i labeled it - stupidity.

well, i think i would be a victim of it. sooner or later.

soundbite of a quick dinner

2009-01-16T06:28:00.011+08:00

over a plate of Aglio Olio and a cup of fantastic tomato soup at The Garden Slug, i was quite resolute to make small talk with him, a best friend (an Otaku?) who gives short replies when prompted. after filling him in on my recent movements, random chit-chat ensued; but more of me talking like a host on the radio station and him being the listener tuning in.

'actually, everyone's a little racist, don't you think so?'
(a case of prompting him to talk.. and too much Avenue Q)
'umm..' came the reply. not giving up, i asked a multiple-choice,
'so on the scale of 1 to 10, how racist are you? 1 being a lil' 10 being the extreme..'

then, this is classic-

'0. i'm not a racist.'
'ya, true. you're a hypocrite.'
'oops, that's right..'

take that from a Japanese-Chinese boy. -__-

it melts my heart

2009-01-09T03:09:00.005+08:00

i've been waiting for his personal time to come
impatiently since the very second we left Tekong.
finally, at 9.30pm sharp i sent:
'though you may not agree.. or feel it..
-__- but i do, love you very much...
take good care of yourself.. (:

his reply came promptly:
hey thanks. ha i will miss you too. :)

that's the sweetest sentence for 2009
i can conclude with certainty. no qualms.
(yeah, even if it's barely 10 days of this year..)
given his natural inability to express affection,
i shouldn't push my luck.
*contented X)

it took a stranger's death for me to realise i'm..

2009-01-09T02:51:00.008+08:00

almost over you.

(as i typed those 3 words which had Not came to me easily,
the corners of my lips curled upwards into a genuine smile.
finally i'm getting out of my own stupidity, and hey! it's faster
than you expected, han. ha. take back your 5 years..)

oh well. a few more weeks to sort out the clutter.
clear up the inbox framed with cobwebs.
by February 12. tops.

心情写照

2008-10-02T19:27:00.005+08:00

Lily: I'm ok. Obviously insane, but otherwise ok.

Ami: You're obviously sane, but maybe not entirely ok.

-ten thousand lovers
Edeet Ravel

hangover

2008-09-25T01:36:00.010+08:00

million of the should-be scenarios.

there are simply too many days like now when i've a hangover of
the heartbreak.

all i have to do is to convince myself, right?

that happens to be the most pathetic trick as it will involve lying.

lies to the girl who stares back in the mirror.
like the girl who won the staring contest.

her eyes should get some shutter not a well-deserved rest.

i miss you. i really do.

i really have to stop all this nonsense.

lost.

2008-09-21T06:44:00.011+08:00

"you're not what I thought you're."

whoa. Surprise. *gasps -.-

as our date dwindles greatly in number, (i'm still thankful for its quality, especially
the one recently) we're simply too caught up with our own daily circles of people and routine.

falling short from expectation, i'm not as strong as what you made out of me. not as level-headed, not as intelligent, not as stable, not as XX (insert the age of my mentality which you've calculated, so inaccurately), but you told me you still believe i'm the most clever sensible and rational girl friend you've as compared to peers our age.

i can't believe you being so delusional.

sod it.

your disappointment does not bother me, and that's exactly what bugs me a lot. my nonchalance. your disappointment, 'your' being a collective noun, is not just zong's voice alone. too many "you've not been.. quite yourself", "i don't recognise... you" and whatnot merely became belated concerns being played incessantly on repeat mode.

maybe, right from the start, you've judged me myopically. maybe, the image of that girl who refuses to being reliant, auto-transferred (BIF, damn marketing! -_-#) onto the other stages of her life, causing the impression of ever steely strong. maybe, you're right, no matter what, duckling will be alright.

or maybe, it's high time i get help; time for me to surrender the brave front i've been putting up. i'm none the wiser after.. us. i'm lost.

纸巾

2008-09-02T04:26:00.011+08:00

夜开始深了。
四周有剩下对面军营的练枪声。
原本宿舍外吵得很，还有很多住宿生在嬉闹，
现在连最后一批串门子的都回自己的窝去了。

小腿非常卖力地跑着。
幸好，我赶上了199号巴士，没白费力。
不然今晚就真的要打地铺了，可..
那小瓜的房间空空如野。
（哪像Y小呢子的，宿舍=家，什么都有。）
所以搞不好，我还得和小瓜同挤一张床。
（加上，如果又在外过夜（这周第三次？）
还得听老妈子的交响乐。-_-#）

打卡后，我在后座那坐了下来，
仍然喘着粗气，而且汗如雨下。
终于能把肩上很沉的包包放下，
和另一只手抱着的排球也放下，
真是松了一口气。（能想象吗？
我刚才就是拎着这些累赘追车哦！）

哎呀！
那该死的球有椅子不好好坐，到处滚。
手机钱包和包包都一手抓，然后忙着追球！
一副狼狈相。无奈~
（配上周围的窃笑声当背景音乐）

唉。终于安顿下来了。(X_x)
这边小丑‘杂耍’的娱性节目已落幕；
对面那排乘客的目光也应该散场了，
但是还有一个男生盯着我。

他对我微微一笑。我只直瞪回他。
。。看什么看嘛，我已经觉得很糗。
他有一点不好意思，然后低下头翻他的包包，
像在找什么似的。
接着，他从包包里拿出一大包纸巾，
仰向前，把纸巾递了给我。

轮到我不好意思了，
为自己的笨手笨脚觉得丢脸，
为先前对着陌生人黑脸而歹势。
我尴尬地向他连声道谢。
虽然觉得自己很白痴，
但心里还是暖暖的。=）

---

虽然是n年前，但是我还记得
她哭泣的样子，那心碎的神情..

在一排人来人往的商店前，
是一个巴士站。虽不是放工放学时间，
车站还是挤满了人，好多学生，吵死了。

我和贝聊了什么我也记不住了。
（都说是n年前咯）但四处张望的我，
一双眼就扫来扫去，最后停在她身上。
瘦削的她看起来也不过十四五岁。
身穿典型某XX女校的蓝白校服，
（但裙子没一般流行的一样短)
头上扎着马尾，鼻上夹着一副眼镜，
看起她是学校里乖乖牌的那一型。

她背着书包，手里紧握住手机，
紧得手指关节都发白了。
眼泪源源不绝地流着，
鼻涕也快跑出来凑热闹，
她不顾形象的抽泣着，
也没低下头避开众人的目光。
这种哭法完全不符合这类型的乖宝宝。

她脸上那痛不欲生的表情，真的难忘。
其他等车的人们都注意到她，顿时，
空气中布满了大家的不知所措。
她是越哭越厉害，泪水没断过，
鼻涕也滑到了嘴角，喉咙哽住的气
从鼻腔发出声来。

“怎么哭得这么凄惨？”贝低声叹道。
“那你去安慰她好了。”我不假思索回道。
贝不知道我是在调侃他还是认真的。
可爱的贝疑惑地瞪大双眼，等我给他提示。
“有纸巾吗？”提示来了。
他摇摇头。“那..还不去买！”给明示算了。

贝走进在那一排商店里的7-11，
而我呆在原地，继续望着女孩。
心里有一种难以解释的激动。

“给。纸巾。”贝回到我身边。
真是败给他了。虽说我的指示都很明显，
但贝有时候真让我哭笑不得。公布谜底-
“给那个女生！”我小声的凶他。
“我..还以为你要用到嘛。”他喃喃自语。
(-__-) 我就要疯了~

贝很不自在（加不甘愿）地走向前去。
他没先搭讪几句，根本没开口，
把纸巾送了就走开。
女生哭到有点慌神，还搞不清楚状况。
一会儿后，她才开始用纸巾，
拭去脸上黏糊糊的一切。
然后她用感激的眼神目送我们上车。
我..只能对她微微一笑。

---

又是在等巴士的时候发生的事。
大热天，大伙都躲进巴士站成荫。
我身旁就站了一位标致的印族女生。
我看她汗流浃背，也怪狼狈的。
就向同行的同学借纸巾，然后给了那女生。

我是没有常带纸巾出门的习惯。
但是，却常常遇到想给人纸巾的状况。
同情、热心也好，多事、鸡婆也罢。
就这样关于纸巾的日行一善，我作了两次。

---

其实，在陌生人在面前当小叮当，
（伸出援(圆)手，好冷吧？:p）并不难。
有人东西掉了，帮忙捡一捡。
有人迷路了，就好心引一引路。
有人跌了一跤，快快把他搀扶起。
有人流泪流汗，就递上纸巾吧！

A kind deed deserves another. :)

后记：其实帮了别人，我是觉得没怎么样。
但我被帮助时，就真正体会到人与人的暖意。

today is forever?

2008-08-30T05:03:00.008+08:00

complete this sentence, will you?

if everything that ever happened to me is just my imagination, ______________________________.

mine:

......, then why does it feel so real and raw?

---

i remembered being totally captivated by "abre los ojos" (open your eyes) a Spanish film when i watched it last year. not exactly a Sci-Fi chick (hm, i ought to use duckling) as i channel-hopped, i didn't know a boring night at home would turn out engaging.

[this post supposed to be a quick one as i simply.. wanted to organize some thoughts, put them into words before they escaped me again. yet, in the end I spent hour after hour reading on its movie reviews and other subjects linked like Vanilla Sky, Lucid Dream, Tesis, Alejandro Amenábar, Ubik, Cryonics, just to name a few.]

Cryonics-
derived from the Greek word κρύος (kryos), meaning cold. is the low-temperature preservation of humans and other animals that can no longer be sustained by contemporary medicine until resuscitation may be possible in the future. Human cryopreservation is not currently reversible. In the United States, cryonics can only be legally performed on humans after pronounced legally dead. The rationale for cryonics is that the process may be reversible in the future if performed soon enough, and that cryopreserved people are not dead by the modern information-theoretic definition of death.
-quoted from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

what a tempting idea to live on and on.. till eons later. to be an immortal, (be it aging or not) life will no longer be a cycle. it will become like the thread of infinite number (not a 'real' number) that goes on without an end. not taking into consideration of the resources to support the never-ending lifeforms (I'm not even sure could I still view them as humans, or as.. the undead? LOL! living on forever may be a nightmare), if it's highly exclusive, not everyone can afford this technology, who gives who the right to be the selected ones? by social class? by caste? it's almost like playing God, won't it be so?

the value of human life?
would no longer be like what the MasterCard ad says- Priceless.

达尔文

2008-08-22T01:40:00.008+08:00

刚刚这首歌正在播放着，

我的青春也不是没伤痕
是明白爱是信仰的延伸
甚么特征人缘还是眼神
也不会预知爱不爱的可能
　
保持单身忍不住又沉沦
兜着圈子来去有时苦等
人的一生感情是旋转门
转到了最后真心的就不分

有过竞争有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真学会忠诚
适者才能生存
懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人

我的青春有时还蛮单纯
相信幸福取决于爱得深
读进化论我赞成达尔文
没实力的就有淘汰的可能
　
我的替身已换过多少轮
记忆在旧情人心中变冷
我的一生有几道旋转门
转到了最后只剩你我没分

希望如此

３点。

2008-08-18T15:23:00.005+08:00

又是凌晨3点。
不知怎么了，最近的3点都很特别。

他从房里抱着烫衣板走出来，
然后把熨斗摆在板上。

“你在干吗？”

手里拿着他的校服，回道：
“妈忘了烫。她总是记得一样，忘了令一样。”

对啊。总记得你的，而忘了我。

“那。你现在要自个儿烫？”

“不。把东西都摆出来，
明早她看到了，我要看她是否会烫。”

白痴。明早，她忙着煮水，忙着叫你起身。
她哪有闲情到客厅看？

“等我把隐形眼镜取下，我给你烫。”

他没拒绝。脸上也没有微笑，没有什么表情。
可，我知道他感到一些诧异。
因为，几分钟前，为了鸡毛蒜皮的事,
我对他发了脾气。

我戴上了眼镜；把手也洗干净了。
开始做这蛮久没做的活儿。
虽不熟练，但没两下功夫，也就把它搞定。

“烫得不这么样，但不邹就行了吧？”

“当然烫过，就不邹。”　

我无语。

我倒在沙发上，继续看着面前的四方盒子。
对播映着的节目，一点兴趣都没有，但
无奈，这时候我也懒得再动。

“忘了说谢谢。”　他的谢谢，我懂。

哈。不要紧。

为了功课，为了学业，为了好成绩，
他每晚熬夜。

我。夜夜失眠，也无所事事。　

就要十八岁的他，怎么和我是两个世界的人啊？