Monday, December 19, 2011

499..5...

when I was in kindergarten
bedtime routine was counting sheep 

(or was it peeing my pants?)
those fluffy ballerinas leapt
over the rainbow, one by one
and before I knew I was in lala-land
after thousands thousands of nights
who could have knownthe innocent lambs gave way to nightmares?
(and when the stress gets to you, it's okay to shit your pants)
the colours drained away
just as the mascara ran after each tear

more than an ocean away I lie on the bed I made
recounting the days reliving each story
which was the last smile 

that was truthfully meant for me?
dolce vita, the time spent had evaporated
condensing into a pool of 

whisky smashed after our last fight

day one, we met...
a tale about the beginning of the end
silently as the thief of night

this is an unsung song

till the very last day of Jan



...almost 500 days of summer.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

離家出走

每隻螞蟻都有眼睛鼻子
如同台北市大路小巷都大同小異
轉角就是711全家康是美屈
臣士
記不記路名有何關係

街景是不熟悉的新人生舞台
到處的告示牌霓虹燈螞麻麻密密
四四方方的字體她不認識
「我說的話。你,到底,聽。有沒有。懂?」

夢幻中城市裡的美景一幕幕消失
變成夢魘裡一輛輛吐煙的怪獸
彼此追逐看誰先能把她吞噬
快,逃進繁忙的夜市!

擺脫了碳黑二氧化碳又遭
油膩美味的炸雞排厭惡的臭豆腐撲鼻襲擊
想放棄離「家」出走
在人海裡溺斃前看!

那是一盞掛在101的燈
像燈塔指引
越來越大,離「家」越來越近
但家鄉那綠草地只剩海市蜃樓之影

新娘子回來了
看著她外籍老公
咬著不舒服的台羅音節
說:「對不起



看了《我的
強娜威》和《Pinoy Sunday》(台北星期天,不過我更喜歡它的英文片名)
老師要求我們寫1000字的報告。但在我吐出4500多字的專題報告後,頭腦裡整下的思緒片片斷斷,所以我就,嗯...只將它們縫合。做了一首不到300字的新詩。
阿彌陀佛,希望老師會手下留情。
善哉善哉。

Saturday, December 10, 2011

這是我的溫柔

分手前,我們互相傷害。
分手時,你解脫了。
沒想到,分手後,我仍讓你持有傷害我的能力...


「你還是要幸福... 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭,所有錯誤從我這裏落幕。」

凌晨時分,聽到情歌裡的這麼一句,我哭慘了。稀裡嘩啦。
我還是很怨你,也...原來,還是不能釋懷,但你還是要幸福。
除此之外,你似乎沒什麼能為我做了。

不。



其實,你能為我做的,還有另一件事
-讓從你生命中我徹徹底底地消失。
當作我們沒有過去,也沒有認識。你的記憶裡沒有我這個人。
分手後,你總覺得你是把我看清了吧。覺得我糟透了。
想當初自己怎麼喜歡上這樣一個女生?
很後悔自己之前的愚蠢。為我掉過眼淚,很浪費吧?

我聽說了。
你對周圍的朋友說你前女友的不是。那女主角就是我。
對你而言,我可能只是一場噩夢,再慶幸不過能從噩夢中醒來。
不經思索說我壞話,沒什麼大不了的,反正那是你認知的事實。
但遺憾的是,我不爭氣的,只記得你的好;
殘忍的是,我...說不出你的不是;
要是說了氣話,我心裡閃過的,不是你醜陋的一面,而是失去的美好。
朋友心疼我,數落你時,我還是會立刻維護你,為你說話...
還是太在乎你。

為你說話,我不是稀罕做什麼好人...
只不捨得你背著所有實在或莫須有的罪名。
但做好人,原來。真的。很累。
沒有捨不捨得,最終只換來疲憊。
夜靜下來,一人獨處時,想著惦著戀著...
你過得好不好,騎車時是不是又出了小意外;
有沒有和爸爸又起爭執,發悶氣或難過的自己躲在房里哭?
思念只能化為默念,默唸著你的名字。
我,不能再為你說話了。

你不能想像
當我知道你只記得我多麼不堪,
提到我時,只剩惡言相向...
那種感覺就像被人暗傷。

所以...請你把我從記憶裡刪除了。



不能為自己辯解,也不會有人為我說話,我只能安靜的..
不再為我心目中的你辯護。

Monday, December 5, 2011

ZX

死小孩,你說我才要擔心長大變老這回事。
太過份了,你怎麼能就這樣永遠不長大?
今年的12月,再也沒有一聲「fellow 死小孩」了。
一時大家都好難接受... 可是。
好好地睡吧,我心目中永遠的小男孩。

縮短了聞一多為夭折長女作的詩,將這些話對你說。

「也許,也許你要睡一睡,那麼叫夜鷹不要咳嗽,蛙不要號,蝙蝠不要飛;不許陽光撥你的眼簾,不許清風刷上你的眉,無論誰都不能驚醒你,撐一傘松陰庇護你 睡;也許你聽這蚯蚓翻泥,聽這小草的根鬚吸水... 那麼你先把眼皮閉緊,我就讓你睡,我讓你睡,我把黃土輕輕蓋著你,我叫紙錢兒緩緩的飛。


死小孩,生日快樂!

·
19 December 2010 at 02:33 ·

    • thank you fellow 死小孩!

      20 December 2010 at 14:18

    • :D have lots of fun, merry x'mas in adv!
      and grow older, but dont grow up too much okay? let's continue to be happy 死小孩s!

      20 December 2010 at 16:21

    • lolol i think i wouldnt have to worry about growing up too much! the person who should worry about that is you! haha yea merry xmas in advance too =) 
      20 December 2010 at 23:51

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

為我添翼

突然想飛回家去抱抱大家。親愛的你們。不論你們身在何處(日本美國法國或澳洲)我都要翱翔至此,再展翅飛回台北。因為,我不想似真似幻的美夢結束。還不。

give me wings ^_^
i've a sudden wish to fly home just so as to hug everyone dear. (or wherever you're located right now, be it Japan, America, France or Australia) after which, i will soar and return to Taipei, for i've no wish to end this lucid dream. not yet.

and i still want to fly to you, the invisible tag.
just to take a peek while you sleep.
before all memories blurred
and pass me by.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

...directions?

not that the actual age matters, but the restlessness i feel so often should go away.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

不是錯誤

La douceur qui fascine et le plaisir qui tue.
Ô toi que j'eusse aimée ô toi qui le savais!
-Charles Baudelaire

“令人迷惑的柔媚,那般醉生夢死的愉悅
... 你,我或許愛上,你,該曉得。”

波特萊爾的《致一位路人》,英文翻譯版常見,
我‘集思廣益’後,把最愛的兩句詩句譯成中文。
你是否也只是個過客,不是歸人?

Monday, September 19, 2011

19個月的分別

21歲。不過就是個數字嘛。但也不然。
在日本20歲是成人禮,我國(依立法來看)21歲才是合法成人。若你早些過生日,你不就得在大選和總統競選時投票。(國家大事,就暫且不談了。) 所以,當你又想:“what's the big hooha about turning 21?”,不解(或也不屑)大家大肆慶祝時,不如想想看你的21歲,應該有甚麼意義。你對自己有甚麼期許、對家庭有甚麼責任、對社會甚至是整個世界又將有 甚麼貢獻呢?

有些答案,我自己也還在尋找,不知道我能為家裡、周遭的人事物付出些多少.. 也不知道能為你做些甚麼。不過,我常常有一種想保護你的衝動。(雖然你這麼高-_-用不著我保護)但是,我還是想維護你、為你出頭說話、支持你做你的軍師 或是聆聽者... 也希望把我有限的經驗濃縮後和你分享,讓你不必那麼辛苦不用走一些我曾走過的冤枉路。

但想想,你若自命懂事成熟的話,我的“金玉良言”可能派不上用場。:P 更何況你的腿這麼長,多走些路,也不費甚麼功夫。可是,有些事我老早就想說,但是你總是不能抽出寶貴的光陰應酬我。有時,多答兩句話就像是要你命,我搞不懂那是我選錯時候寒暄,還是你的問題。反正,乘現在,我就說我的,(也不用看你臉色)你就耐著性子,讀下去吧。

儘管我只大你一歲,但我們的生活體驗,其實迥然不同。從小到大,媽媽總是會覺得我比你幸運些。出國的機會比你多、參加的活動也比你多,雖然中學後我成績未必比你好,但交遊廣闊的姊姊、也常遇貴人相助,似乎是隨心所欲,沒有遇到任何挫折,事事一帆風順。但是,事實不然。生長在同個家庭,讀同間中小學,小時候我們的起跑點是一樣的。即使有再多機會,若我不表現、不突出、不爭取、不堅持,我也沒辦法踏出去看看不一樣的世界。

媽媽可能認為就我較幸運罷了,但是我可以告訴你,要吸引別人的目光、要贏得別人的贊許認可、要證明自己與眾不同,這一定不是光靠運氣。若你曾默默地埋怨過,為甚麼姊姊每次都有出國的機會,那現在你或許試回想看,你是否有多付出多表現,爭取自己想要的。我。不。是。要。炫。耀。也沒甚麼好炫耀的。只是希望你明白,有些事不是偶然僥倖罷了,而是個性使然。在報館對立的上司都對我很好,給我機會也幫我不少時,媽媽又認為我幸運時,你知道嗎-這也絕非偶然。職場上的生存之道,也不是我這一兩年才開始學習到的。當你選擇做些甚麼不做些甚麼,我就選擇從小打工,學習外界的待人處事。

有時我會想,要得到外界的認同比得到家裡的肯定,還要容易。因為,我的弟弟,可能會想,她憑甚麼。媽媽或許會把一切歸功於運氣,而爸也不過認為,怎麼樣都好,反正都是為了自己,把我看作新生代的自立及自私。說幸運的話,我倒覺得你比我幸運多了,我們一家都很疼你,媽媽是,爸也是(無論你懂不懂),我也是。我也認為媽媽是偏著你,最近也為此和她大吵一架。我不是埋怨她,偏心本來就很難避免的。

我知道她也很疼我。但我是真受不了她要裝作大公無私,不能認清她自己更偏護你的行為。我也知道我脾氣壞,好勝心強,做我父母,也很可憐。想做孝順的女兒,卻每每不能和媽媽和平共處。有你在,我很放心,因為我知道,你和媽媽會處得比我和她好。你成績好,我一直都是以你為傲,不會因此感到有壓力要做得比你好。但生活上,你的有條不紊、責任感、節儉持家,都是媽媽看重的優點,也全都是我的弱點。

母女之間總是有一種很微妙的關係。
她也用她的方式表現愛,煮我愛吃的、打點我生活上瑣事。但我累了,不想媽媽每次都把我的弱點放大來看。(在外,我常被稱讚獨立自主,但在她眼中,這似乎也更像 是缺點。)我並不是想為自己辯護,但確實感受不到媽媽給與認同。所以老實說,出國留學,除了能因興趣而學習,我開心的是能獨自在外,雖然會想家,但鬆了一口 氣。我也不知道為甚麼我的對抗性會這麼強,不怕起衝突,但幸好你是屬於比較溫馴的孩子。如果女孩子該怎麼樣怎麼樣,或是得柔順才是個好女兒,那我似乎還欠些甚麼,但你卻完完全全補足了我身為女兒所有的不足。

21歲,應該有甚麼意義。你對自己有甚麼期許、對家庭有甚麼責任、對社會甚至是整個世界又將有甚麼貢獻呢?---你將來在事業上能做甚麼、該做甚麼,我不知道。你也未曾和我分享過你所抱有的夢想。但我對21歲的你說了這麼多,以上的一切一切,只有兩個重點:
1)性格掌控命運。若要改變命運,就得改變性格。不是要你變得更像我或誰,而是要你更實在的認清自己的個性,做出適當的調整以追求你想要的人生。
2)你對我愛理不理的態度,我也倦了,但非常感謝你是一個好兒子,讓我能跑遠一點,和家裡保持一些距離,而不用和媽媽一直起摩擦。

總之,不論我多想盡姊姊的職責愛護弟弟、或是倚老賣老不停地念著有的沒的,我都希望你幸福快樂、不希望你受傷、不捨得你被任何人欺負(朋友、另一半、上司,任何人... 除了我例外。 :p)但我一直碎碎念也沒用,成長不就是在跌跌撞撞中,一直繼續勇往直前,我們才會蛻變吧?

(我一貫在家是報喜不報憂,但你最好別學我,還是希望你呢,任何時候有問題,會找我。)


祝 胸襟闊達
視野廣闊

Friday, August 12, 2011

gnelkom

莫林其妙的心痛。

Sunday, July 17, 2011

moving on.

don't do this anymore.
stop backtracking.

Monday, June 27, 2011

語言學導師說:

作業收到了,又是一個有趣的主題,而且看得出來你寫這份報告又更用心了。
你有很高的才華,只是你的表現不很穩定。從你的敘述中,更見出這點特質。
你似乎處於一種煩躁的狀態中,對自己不很瞭解,對未來也頗茫然,但是內心又有很強大的力量,大膽地帶著自己四處闖蕩。

很高興你從上台報告的經驗中更加認識自己,看到自己一些寶貴的特質。
我們的人生都只能靠自己帶領,你要善待自己,讓自己過得更自在、更安穩、更光彩。前題是,要看到自己的價值,要懂得提昇自己。從你敘述的諸種擔憂中,你很難否認,你沒有自知之明,而且到了一種離譜的地步。若空有才華而不自知,就太遺憾了。千萬別讓這樣的憾事發生在自己身上。不要再浪費精力在無謂的擔憂上,而是靜下心來,好好認識自己,引領自己。相信我,你會看到無比美麗的自己。

祝福你再上層樓!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

真心話。

生日快樂。真正的快樂。

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

surviving life

something is dying inside me.
or is it.. something inside me has died.

philosophy classes aren't helping. but the never ending Questions and the lifetime quest for answers (which existence we doubt, at least i doubt, as a sceptic) are good distractions from my life itself. some of us lead lives full of vulgar mundanes; some lives are naively built on foolish desires and beliefs; while the rest of the population simply struggles to survive... life.

that, too, sums up my life for now nicely: mundaneness, hopelessly hopeful for the wrong.. things, and struggling to feed myself.

I'm not new to the role of a starving student.
I'm trying to make ends meet, while running against Time, or am I fighting for more time? dear Time, please bloody upgrade my day to a 72hours version. I need time to work. I need time for studies. I need more time to find more sources of income. I need more time to be a decent daughter and a caring sister. I need time to move on.. I need time to push me into a future where you will never appear again.



go on.
just go on, soon you'll be looking back and laughing how pathetic those church mouse days were, and how great it is once you managed to survive some hard knocks.

even these words of encouragement sound weak and hollow to myself.
weak and hollow. stuff that my soul is made of. weak and hollow.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

'oh, happy birthday.' she whispered to herself on your behalf.

i miss you terribly.





the dinner at bedrock was awesome, not for the food though.
it was my girls who made me feel i'm still so so so lucky.

the comfy big bed that i'm lying on now feels empty.
the twin bathtubs weren't that fun too.
he's sweet and caring she's drunk yet lovely but i'm still getting over an asshole.
not quite successful..
no?

i miss you.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

the book that burns me

they teased him about 'Dina'. they laughed at the latest gossips. they talked about their university lives and any other random topics that came up. i was not really there with them, barely contributing to the conversation. at best, i was only pulling an half-ass effort. a smile, plastered onto my face, was working its charm as an amulet. i hope it would ward off any unwanted attention or question. but i should be glad for their company. in fact, i should be grateful for any forms of distraction now.

after dinner, we went for first round of drinks. soon, we crossed the streets to our next destination. more drinks followed. soon, when it was time to call it a night, i panicked. i couldn't go back so early. it would be many hours before i could drift off to sleep. so i suggested supper even when my stomach had almost reached its full capacity. they gamely (or was it gravely?)agreed and made their way towards the east side.

the food was tasteless.


the problem lies with me. i'm just buying time, hoping for less alone time. i need to escape from myself. where is my mind. where is it? i need to do exactly what you said- mind over heart. the book that lies on my bed now, belongs to her. it is already five forty in the morning, i still can't get over it. should i give into the urge to run to the bus stop, hop onto the first bus and go to your place to drop off this hot potato. i badly want to return the book. it's burning me.

i didn't run to anywhere. it's six fifty seven now, i remain in my bed.
i'm afraid to invade your personal space so suddenly, afraid that you feel suffocated that i'm being cranky and clingy. i'm clingy, clinging onto to some hope.

the truth is, i'm afraid to see someone else in that L-shaped space in your bed.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

最後..

..讓我感動的是,她的眼淚。
媽媽真的捨不得我。看起來媽媽比我還要難過。
在心疼我的同時,她在擔心自己的兒子是否會再犯錯。
這一點,我不能為他打包票。
不過,我希望他不會後悔他的決定。



得到了難能可貴非親非故的親情,我失去的卻是..

Monday, January 17, 2011

最後一個月

在日本,20歲者必須行成年禮。而在我國,當我滿21歲時,就是法定的成年人。但,這一年來,我待人處事是否有別於過往、是否更加成熟穩重了、是否有長進?還有一個月。但我.. 還有時間力往狂瀾嗎?是否已經錯過了黃金期。

我離開前,你為自己定了一個期限。這次,我也為自己定一個死期,死心之期。到時我再蓋棺而論吧。

Sunday, January 9, 2011

劇終

不想。
不相信。
不該相信。
不能再次掉入深淵。

Saturday, January 8, 2011

18年

假如你爱一个人,
但你也介意这爱情可有收获时,
你只是为爱情而经营爱情而已。

假如你能够爱一个人,
而不介意对方会不会给你同等的爱时,
那你已经迈进了一大步。

甚至你明知道,
自己所付出的爱是不可能有回报,
但你仍然无条件爱他时,那已经无话可说,
那是真正的爱了。

吴韦材 (2003-04-07)