Friday, October 16, 2009



Sunday, September 27, 2009

Pascal's triangle

when addition becomes complex, i'm amazed that this already knotty affair has room for further complication. i've failed A.Maths umpteen times back in school. i had taken home a 3/50 for E.Maths. yet, when it comes to Binomial theorem? i'm gifted in creating expansions.

Friday, September 25, 2009










Saturday, September 19, 2009

feeling like i never should

living a life that i can't leave behind
while every day my confusion grows
i'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that i can't say

why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

i'm not sure what this could mean
i don't think you're what you seem
i do admit to myself
that if i hurt someone else
then i'll never see just what we're meant to be

han thinks i'm love
there isn't any love, actually.
(or at least, i'm still in denial..)


i know, this's not quite it.
yet, there isn't a better term to label this feeling.
beyond infatuation, more than friends, not merely physical.

bizzare, yes.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

fatalistic optimism

L: loneliness is easier to deal with than disappointment.

W: life's simple, fill with surprise, everything is a surprise not a chance for disappointment dear.

that reply came as a curve ball.. she must give it to him, an optimistic comeback that she wouldn't expect from him. simple yet brilliant. and she knows, that is his signature.

4 days old friendship at 1am

Wanted: cougar says:
*i have another job to work now
*things we do for money
*is it worth it? selling your soul

-ménage à trois says:


-ménage à trois says:
*and that's not the worst
*the worst is i'm fcuking dumb/mule stubborn
*when it comes to r/s.. if i fall in love, i fall hard,
*that flat-on-your-face kinda..
*i simply dont know how to break my fall with
*hands or just get away with some abrasions on
*my knees.. i think i've painted that picture of my
*kind of FALLing in love very well..

Wanted: cougar says:
*that's the awesome part, and also the shit part, really
*it takes alot to be willing to fall completely in love
*and i like that
*maybe its masochism

-ménage à trois says:
*no. the awesome part is i'm so serious kind of 100% giver

Wanted: cougar says:
*男人不坏,女人不爱 :P

-ménage à trois says:
*the shitty part is the lucky bastard took me for granted

Wanted: cougar says:
*well, you see the light now?
*run away


Wanted: cougar says:
*so, that's why i ask, what's in it for you?

-ménage à trois says:

Wanted: cougar says:
*i guess. the feeling is pretty good sometimes, when you're lonely

-ménage à trois says:
*someone who is not just a taker, and clicks on my level,
*and amazingly is my cuppa-tea (well, pure infatuation
*at first now i know, it wouldn't grow into love, that's why..
*now i'm happy yet worried..)
*happy knowing, he would be a friend in long run
*worried, because, HA, i get sense of security from knowing
*i would NOT fall for somone, how sick is it.

Wanted: cougar says:
*you're just afraid to fall for the wrong guy

Wanted: cougar says:
*well, enjoy the superficiality, it hurts less
*i want somebody who isn't into the deep emotional crap too
*it's tiring sometimes


Wanted: cougar says:
*like you, i'm afraid of the future too

-ménage à trois says:

note: 可以想到超越明天的未来,是幸福的。

Sunday, September 6, 2009




Friday, August 28, 2009


因爲我。變了,成了... 沒有溫度的戀人。




Monday, August 3, 2009

time after time

lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
flash back warm night, almost left behind suitcase of memories
time after sometime you pictured me
i'm walking too far ahead you're callin' to me
i can't hear what you've said then you said,
"go slow, i fall behind" the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey
watching through windows you're wondering if i'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

you said, "go slow, i fall behind" the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

time after time

just as i uploaded our photo, i've backtracked and recounted every single thing you've done and i know, will continue to do for me. the times that you're simply there, sometimes without any words of comfort, it's sufficient. your silent presence feeds me ample of reassurance. and this song which is stuck in my head, eerily just played on the station which i tuned into, is perfect for a dedication, to you.

this's not just what you've done for me time after time.

"if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting
time after time"

it's also my promise to you.

it's just..

the road i choose.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

a girl by any other name would be as sweet

notes: 1) i'm really honoured to suggest names for S's niece.
2) i've been producing names by dozens yet..

months ago
'my sister likes some of the names, as in how they looked on black and white, but she doesn't like how it sounds.'

weeks ago
'thanks darling she went through the list, she likes a few but she would like to know if there's any other better ones.'

sometimes ago
'she actually likes the word 恩 and the word 熙 but.. (did i mention i HATE B-U-T) she doesn't fancy them together in a name.'

minutes ago
'she prefers names that are SWEET, please come up with something SWEETER and cool?' [gawd.. personally i HATE sweeeeet names too, i simply wouldn't want to suggest any girlish common names with all the 婷s,秀s, (no offenses) or their other deviations.]

the thing about names is, i correct myself, the thing about GOOD names is, there is so so so many perceptions and image projections towards them. there's hardly a name that will please all.

IMHO, a good name possesses a meaning, no matter how shallow it beats being meaningless. the name should be memorable, by that i mean unique, not too common and overused like 陈欣怡 in 《命中注定我爱你》

it would be easy on memory and as easy on the tongue, you don't want others to have problem rolling out the name. also, as nice as it sounds, it should look good on the paper, for Chinese characters, it's all about proportion. e.g. 馨一 vs. 芯伊 of course the latter looks better, with the usage of space balanced out.

last of all, a good name goes well with the surname, especially Chinese names. after all, who would blame you for scoffing at a name like 庄有财 (zhuang you cai sounds like pretend to be rich.) there's something else, which i don't care, not when i don't even know how it exactly works - 笔画,the number of strokes in a name will 'affect' the destiny. *shrugs*

trust me as easy as it appears to be, naming is TROUBLESOME. (which reminds me of my Retail Branding project, when we had struggled to come to a decision about changing our subject's name, a local lingerie retailer. we didn't change it despite we all knew we should due to weak ears and the soft-heartedness developed for the 'insider' brand story. well, we were being marked down for our sentimental decision.)

back to topic
so being the responsible me, *chuckles* went crazy with the names again. i named, i modeled the names into girls of distinctive personalities till i could almost see their faces and figures oh-so-clearly. it was like building characters for my novel, except that this story is about a harem of females without a man.

list after list of names, this round i sent an email of my 'characters':

hey sunshine.

this naming process is so so so tedious, not on your sis, but me!! the last round i must have included 10? or at least 8 names, which are all mercilessly rejected and well, i've thrown 'em out of my mind too. NOW.. all these are today's brainstorming results. and lol. i'm crazy, the following shows how the names indicated/shed a hint or two on the personality of those girls (my imagination+perception). of course, i love #2, such a MAN name. lol. XD

seriously, #6 #1.. or #4 laaa.. and #4 can be reversed to qiao en.

#1: she's gentle, kind and musical.
her name's
高恩沁 en qin(4), filled with gratitude.

#2: jovial, witty and sporty.
personal favourite
高烁恩 shuo(4) en, brilliance/gratitude.

#3: beauty, sophisticated and smart.
thy name
高倩怡 qian(4) yi, alluring/happiness.

#4: playful, feisty yet romantic. none other
高恩乔 en qiao(2), gratitude/beauty.

#5: ambitious and womanly.
高可欣 ke xin(2), agreeable/happiness.

#6: femme fatale.
高宇乔 yu(2) qiao, vastness/beauty.

#7: sweet and innocent. a random sweet
高雯歆 wen(2) xin(1) talent/envy

cool and not awfully sweet but still will do.
高悯绮 min(3) qi(3) empathy/radiance.

love, and best of luck to me your sis

and i hope 1 of them would be printed on S's niece birth-cert.

the angst teen in me, came late

in a corner of the crowded mos burger joint, em nudged jermaine to get me some tissue, while nodding sympathetically to my sob story (literally and physically). only to have jermaine and rod fascinated for the wrong reason —— why there wasn't any black streaks of tears caused by ruined mascara. grrr.. hello, it wasn't my intention to end up in puddles of my own tears, hey, who the hell would have 'crying' on their agenda list. yet i did it, twice, first was in han's car on the way to her 20th MacDonald's pajamas party, and now, the encore. it was simply the stress which stemmed from home, overran.

my parents didn't give the understanding and support i craved. (see: past tense, i'm taught to know better) the culture of asking about each other day is not cultivated in my family. i can live with that, although sometimes, i secretly wish that brother of mine could do more than just barking/grunting when i care about him. instead, i either scream at him for that lack of manners or i give a fine-i-couldn't-care-less look. sometimes, the disguise slipped, i kept my peace and walked off sadly. communications is at its worst when i talk to my family.

what started out as giving a short account of the incident (cell phone stolen at work), fueled by my dad's bad temper, accelerated into a shouting match. at least my dad matched back with every statement i made, whereas when i reasoned with my mom, the best line she managed every time to end things —— 'you know i can't out-talk you, you're pro at talking back.' all the eloquence escapes me when i seek for comfort at home.

el⋅o⋅quence /ˈɛl ə kwəns/, -noun
the art of turning every word pleasing and gentle on ears, rather than speaking as it is, matter-of-factly as i do, be it in my debate competition or household arguments.

the only difference is it hurts. big time.

whenever my mom dishes out her best line, (just because simply she knows that she's not in the right) it feels like a slap across the face, stinging and ringing soundly in the ears blocking out any other noise. she has no clue the power of her words as of a mother would make such a violent impact on her strong yet actually sensitive child. while dad's words are more like paper cuts, would make me bled, but more often than not, it's a senseless careless mistake. when his impatience and temper caught hold of him, he blabbers without thinking. his angry rants/bitter comments are even too flimsy for me to be bothered with defending myself.

"......WHAT KIND OF WORK IS THIS? HOW COULD YOU EVEN MANAGED TO GET YOUR PHONE STOLEN??! (you made it sound like i wished for it) I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY ARE YOU WORKING! WHY YOU'RE WORKING. I HATE THAT LOOK OF YOURS, LOOK SO TIRED (how could i not be when after a whole day of incident have to deal with your ranting?)........."

all the strength left in me, was injected into, "I ALSO WISH I COULD NOT WORK AND LAZE AROUND LIKE SOME FILTH RICH MISSUS." and that gained me silence, he walked away, defeated?

i don't wish that i'm trust fund baby. i never grumble about having to work and support myself, and i think it's only right that i save up now to put myself though university education.

so please

..thinking i'm earning to splurge, to pay.

you jolly well know how much i earn per month, when i hand over the paycheck to be banked in. and i try to give 1/3 of it to household, but sometimes i could only manage 1/4 or not at all, like this month when i've to replace my stolen phone. the rest of it, i spend it without GUILT. i've tried my best to manage my own finance. tried my best to do my sum and await patiently till i can afford my school fees plus living expenses.

there are friends who care about me, who felt indignant for me, who thought that you should be thankful for a sensible and labourious child. no. in your eyes, i fall short. i'm not that independent and responsible girl that others know. i don't do housechores enough, i'm untidy, careless and absent-minded. i don't deny my flaws. just that...

sometimes, maybe just one day, you'll look beyond the flaws, and feel proud of me too. maybe, you'll know i'm not that happy-go-lucky, not the ultimate optimist girl, even if i build up a brave front pasted with a smile.. just listen AND support me for once? if i don't have your understanding, at least don't twist my meanings and comprehend it on your own terms.

not only your son will get depressed.

i do too, at times. and you don't see.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

daddy's (selfish) girl

“现在的年轻人都很自私。” 老豆似乎是在 ^借题发挥。

>_< *无奈的叹气














Tuesday, March 24, 2009

when i ought to shut up

"where's your brother.." he asked offhandedly while removing his shoes. there wasn't any acknowledgment to that question nor his existence, as i continued to stare blankly ahead. he glared as if to repeat his question more firmly. "he's dead." came the dead pan reply. immobilized for the moment, he was rendered speechless as that wasn't within his expected range of answers

"how could you say that of your brother?" he chided softly after regaining composure from that mild shock. i shrugged nonchalantly, although my insides were burning with fury at his son for some cause that i could no longer remember. he didn't pursue further and left me alone to deal with my dark mood.

i'm terribly childish.

end note: thank goodness he has a healthy heart, else such a daughter could have triggered countless of heart attacks.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

in other words.

fly me to the moon
let me play among the stars
let me see what spring is like
on Jupiter and Mars

in other words, hold my hand
in other words, baby, kiss me

fill my heart with song
and let me sing for ever more
you are all i long for
all i worship and adore

in other words, please be true
in other words, i love you

that was the first song came to mind when i hugged the lamp post.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

hitchhiking- part II

2. when a stranger offers you a ride..
the humid weather was almost unbearable, even for someone like me who don't mind walking just to sweat it out. but just as i stepped out from my tuition kid's condominium into the embrace of the relentless sun, i could feel the unsightly damp patches were forming on my tee under my armpits. i do like my kid well enough, but i detest the ulu-ness of this Mount Sinai. seriously, where else would you find bus feeder service in residential area ending at 8pm daily and non-operating on Sundays??? i swear that if i'm ever that rich to live in such a private estate area, i must must must have my own mode of transportation.

i dragged myself towards the dreaded bus interchange which is at least a good 15 minutes away. because it was a SUNDAY. ): BUT i must have accumulated enough good karma. (: just as i passed the security post and stepped out of the condo, a van which just turned out from the car park, made an U-turn and stopped beside me. the driver offered me a ride out of this ulu place, then further decided to drop me at my destination. on the ride, the kind uncle talked and talked, his "friendly" chatter never stopped (guess driving alone is really boring?) till he said something that totally threw me off. 'you know.. as i was driving out, i saw you in front walking under the hot sun. then i was thinking with the long wavy hair caressing your back, nice legs, the back view was seductive enough. i guess you must be a pretty girl..'

??? how was i supposed to react? beforehand, he went on and on about education and his children and his parenting golden rules. now what? are you trying to hit on me? seductive? holy crap. sounds damn wrong. at that point of time, i stared ahead, thinking he's crazy and has real bad taste. i really wanna scoff at him, and tried to hold back my laughter and my nasty reply. instead, i made up a humorous conclusion for him. i said, 'oh.. yaaa.. i'm a classic case of Beethoven- Bei Duo Fen, meaning from the back (bei) i score a lot of points (duo fen) but when i turn around, totally CMI..' and then i made a Ru-Hua face and smiled at him. you should see his expression - PRICELESS. to cover up the awkward silence which ensued after the guest appearance of Ru-Hua, he muttered, 'no laaa.. my guess was right, you're a beautiful girl, but aiyoo.. you youngster nowadays.. and must take care of your skin.'

heeeelllo? uncle, your aesthetic standard is rather screwed i say. you didn't pick up a sluttish woman scantily clad in her sexy clubbing gab at Clarke Quay. you had offered a ride to a tutor who unwilling woke up before sunset on a Sunday and couldn't be bothered to dress up at all. for the few closest selected ones who saw me in my barely-awake-mode knows how terrible i would look, Ru-Hua is a worthy competitor. i was donned in my old grey ROUND neck tee (for the benefit of those who wanna make assumption of visible cleavage) and straight jeans with my dirty melon havaianas. my face was bare (and that's rare, usually for my own vanity and the safety of the weak-hearted, i would always slap on minimum concealer before i set foot outta the house) because it was too early and i was too lazy and that ulu place had zero human traffic.

a deadly combination of dark eye-circles, scary complexion that would make Sadako (face covered by hair) more bearable and a whole head of unruly messy hair. wow, i'm truly beautiful, no matter what they say... words can't bring me down.

oh. for those who hadn't have a chance to meet Ru-Hua, may i introduce her to you now:

hitchhiking- part I

1. in the nick of time
panic would be an inadequate word for that moment. the examination had commenced at 6pm sharp, and there i was at 6.04 flagging for a cab d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e-l-y and of course it was unsuccessful. (things always don't go your way when you're already having a shitty day.) after a twist of events that led to the traffic jam, and of all times, the rain had to join the fun to rub it in. what a cherry to top off my sundae.

that evening, there must be countless of drivers witnessing a lunatic weaving in and out of the traffic which moved like a snail at the rush hour, waving at cabs and cars. those bastards safely secured in their cars smirked, ignored her and drove off once the strings of vehicles picked up speed. it was mad. MADDENING. those cabs which were hired, fine, no grudges held against you. but how do you explain EMPTY cabs that didn't have On-call signs on? they simply zoomed past, turning a blind eye to the frantic woman and through their rear view mirrors they could lip read those standard expletives off her lips. this was one instance that i wished my level of profanity was on par with han.

almost giving up hope, i spotted a malay uncle beside a stationary bike, towel-drying his helmet by the prata shop. it was 6.10 by then. i ran towards my last chance.

'can.. can.. i ask for a ride on your bike to school?' *out of breath
'..huh? school.. where?' *surprised
'temasek polytechnic.. i'm late for exam and there's simply no cab available. i've to wait for 10minutes even if i call for 1.. please help me...' *the teary look that Puss used on Shrek
'......okay. i trust you girl, bring back to here after your exam alright?' *handling the keys over
'NO.. uncle, i don't mean it to borrow your bike, i can't ride.. can.. you send me there?'
'hmmmm.. okay..' *stunned

it was six-TWENTY!! omg. it was only an hour duration for the paper. -__-
while the bike was still acting on inertia to stop, itookoffthehelmetjumpedoffhisbikethankingtheuncleprofuselywhilememorisinghiscontactnumberandhurdlingupthestairs(yes,hurdling,thestairssurelookslikeobstacles!)andsprinting towardstheLT. just like that whole sentence without punctuation or space, i did that whole chain of actions with a breath, just like a scene out from an action-packed movie.

a movie named 'duckling's series of unfortunate events'.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009




你就会知道这长辈的刀子嘴豆腐心的 pattern了。心里会甜甜暖暖的。






cherchez la femme

when a man behaves out of character or in an otherwise apparently inexplicable manner, the reason may be found in his trying to cover up an illicit affair with a woman. - wiki, verbatim.

how apt a phrase to use in
my context. han asked me to go with my instinct, 'a woman's intuition is scary.' and so is the truth revealed. it wasn't so much of the fear factor that it's affirmative. this is the stage for disappointment. great display of such emotion would become blasé.

'if he didn't change for the worst, and things are pretty much the same, why expose him and hurt her?'

to forgive once and even allow the luxury of trusting you again, seemed to be a mistake. 'though, she's still blissfully ignorant, i bite my lips not to tell despite all the irrationality. that argument above, floated into my mind and was being chased and chided by my.. moral fibers? (of its foundation is largely based on truth and honesty)(which is being shaped by his+her kindness and their way of life and now shaken by his.. infidelity.)

when one fouls for the first time, and you decide to give a chance. i deem it as his/her fault and give you the credit of being magnanimous. BUT (a very fat and ugly but) this creep screws up again, are you still giving chances? it would be your problem to misplace your trust again.

that i labeled it - stupidity.

well, i think i would be a victim of it. sooner or later.

Friday, January 16, 2009

soundbite of a quick dinner

over a plate of Aglio Olio and a cup of fantastic tomato soup at The Garden Slug, i was quite resolute to make small talk with him, a best friend (an Otaku?) who gives short replies when prompted. after filling him in on my recent movements, random chit-chat ensued; but more of me talking like a host on the radio station and him being the listener tuning in.

'actually, everyone's a little racist, don't you think so?'
(a case of prompting him to talk.. and too much Avenue Q)
'umm..' came the reply. not giving up, i asked a multiple-choice,
'so on the scale of 1 to 10, how racist are you? 1 being a lil' 10 being the extreme..'

then, this is classic-

'0. i'm not a racist.'
'ya, true. you're a hypocrite.'
'oops, that's right..'

take that from a Japanese-Chinese boy. -__-

Friday, January 9, 2009

it melts my heart

i've been waiting for his personal time to come
impatiently since the very second we left Tekong.

finally, at 9.30pm sharp i sent:

'though you may not agree.. or feel it..
-__- but i do, love you very much...
take good care of yourself.. (:

his reply came promptly:
hey thanks. ha i will miss you too. :)

that's the sweetest sentence for 2009
i can conclude with certainty. no qualms.
(yeah, even if it's barely 10 days of this year..)
given his natural inability to express affection,
i shouldn't push my luck.
*contented X)