教授說..

「當花瓶也是需要力氣的！」

原本是在討論消費、女性主體及從消費經濟獨立是否就得到自由，還是女性仍逃不出框架、擺脫不了另一種理想完美女性的意識形態。但突然一句帶有黑色幽默的評語從老師口中冒了出來。全班笑得不可開交。不過，老師可是一臉誠懇，似乎無奈現今社會的花瓶也不好當這一回事。

後來，課間休息時，老師還特地準備茶點，犒勞我們，以為這門課的最後一堂課劃下甜甜的句點。雖然老師平時要求嚴格，但貼心的一面也淺而易見。無論如何，今天上課的氣氛好好。一學期下來，雖有不捨，但獲益良多。

最意外的事是晚上收到了老師的email：

Dear L,

感謝你一學期來提供了很多有趣的 food for thought. 很高興你修了這門課！

Prof H

榮幸榮幸啊。

紀念

親愛的..

紀念

擁有的、

失去的、

錯過的、

疼惜的、

思念的、

感動的、

受傷的、

放不下追不回忘不了又說不出口的..

種種時刻。

這麼樣。
就一年了。

二〇一二。

我們的故事。

待續...

precocious tears

L, you too. You are a very special daughter to mommy and I. You are always in our hearts. We are happy when you are. When you are down, we feel it too. The past is over, the future is where happiness is. Be strong, my dear. We love you always.

-C

this short message brought about the first tears of 2012...

sometimes, we cry because we're upset. sometimes, it's the tears of joy, or we're moved to tears.

and sometimes, we don't know why the tears fall, but these are times that words of comfort are useless.

you just need someone to be there to hold you, to catch your tears, simply because you're too precious.

你的眼淚

我漂蕩 在無邊的海洋

當觸碰 你晶瑩的淚光

看那清澈的純真倒影

有了一絲 一絲愁煩

我浮游 在無垠的雲端

忘不了 你飄渺的淚光

像露珠 透著無限光芒

像雪花 映照一聲輕嘆

你的眼淚 不懂滄桑

不懂世間 原本該什麼樣

可是冷暖 偷在你心中打轉

天上人間 都隨你蹙眉惆悵

你的眼淚 無邪明亮

若有天堂 一定是這模樣

只盼辛酸 莫叫你眼神變暗

就算疑惑 就算了然

我浮游 在無垠的雲端

忘不了 你飄渺的淚光

像露珠 藏起聚散飛翔

像雪花 帶著無奈飄降

PROJECTWOo'1TWO

Being organized is a big thing for me, to be precise, a BIG obstacle.

As it always ends up in the 'New-Year-Resolutions-that-I've-FAILED-to-accomplish' list. (not that I've ever penned down any new year resolution in the past.. but well, at the back of my head, I always cheer myself on to be a better person when the world celebrates a new start while the calendar restarts its counter once again.. okay, technically not but still.)

SO now, I shall have a NEW plan to help me accomplish my 2012 resolutions. *beams proudly :) The game plan is, I'm gonna write a little 'something'- caption of a photo, short stories, verses, or simply share some lyrics, poems or memes, whatever-the-catch-of-the-day... for every single day in the year 2012.

Hmmm... writing??!

Shouldn't the agenda be cleaning up my room weekly, putting things back to places where I took them from, stop littering bags/dirty clothes on the floor and leaving the real litter like lunch boxes from a fortnight ago on my desk...

I figure the physical clutter is not as bad as the internal intangibles.

It doesn't help to have a clogged brain even if I've become Martha Stewart and my room is in sparkling condition decorated with... papier-mâché roses? SO before my divergent thoughts drive me mad, I must start writing. I must find a place to house all these words and some random ideas that float in my brain before they slip away. By untangling all these knotted balls into finer threads of digested thoughts, I would train myself to write more coherently and speak more succinctly.

Let's hope I will cultivate enough discipline to pull this off.

THEN, the aforementioned stuff starting with 'D' will make my resolute to accomplish things that I want steely strong! Aha, and thus the 2012 resolutions of:

1) Adopt healthier habits- sleep at night, work in daytime, hit the gym, eat more greens?

2) Make someone's day everyday- say something nice and mean it, do small sweet favours?

3) Be a better daughter, sister, niece, cousin...

4) READ instead of speed-read

5) Move on......

499..5...

when i was a kindergarten kid
bedtime meant "let's count sheep!"
the lovely white fluff leapt like ballerinas
over the rainbow, one by one
and before i knew i was in dreamland

after thousands thousands of nights
who could have known
the innocent lambs gave way to nightmares?
the colours drained away
just as the mascara ran after each tear

more than an ocean away i lie in bed
recounting the days relive each story
which is the last smile that was truthfully meant for me?
dolce vita, the time spent with you evaporated
condensing into a pool of bitterness

day one, we met...
a tale about the beginning of the end
silent like the thief of the night
this is an unsung song
till the very last day of January



...almost 500 days of summer.

離家出走

每隻螞蟻都有眼睛鼻子
如同台北市大路小巷都大同小異
轉角就是7－11全家康是美屈臣士
記不記路名有何關係？

街景是不熟悉的新人生舞台
到處的告示牌霓虹燈螞麻麻密密
四四方方的字體她不認識
「我說的話。你，到底，聽。有沒有。懂？」

夢幻中城市裡的美景一幕幕消失
變成夢魘裡一輛輛吐煙的怪獸
彼此追逐看誰先能把她吞噬
快，逃進繁忙的夜市！

擺脫了碳黑二氧化碳又遭
油膩美味的炸雞排厭惡的臭豆腐撲鼻襲擊
想放棄離「家」出走
在人海裡溺斃前…看！

那是一盞掛在101的燈
像燈塔指引
越來越大，離「家」越來越近
但家鄉那綠草地只剩海市蜃樓之影

新娘子回來了
看著她外籍老公
咬著不舒服的台羅音節
說：「對不起…」



看了《我的強娜威》和《Pinoy Sunday》（台北星期天，不過我更喜歡它的英文片名）
老師要求我們寫1000字的報告。但在我吐出4500多字的專題報告後，頭腦裡整下的思緒片片斷斷，所以我就，嗯...只將它們縫合。做了一首不到300字的新詩。
阿彌陀佛，希望老師會手下留情。善哉善哉。

這是我的溫柔

分手前，我們互相傷害。
分手時，你解脫了。
沒想到，分手後，我仍讓你持有傷害我的能力...

「你還是要幸福... 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭，所有錯誤從我這裏落幕。」

凌晨時分，聽到這麼一句話，哭得稀裡嘩啦。
我還是很怨你，也...原來，還是不能釋懷，但你還是要幸福。
除此之外，你似乎沒什麼能為我做了。

不。



其實，你能為我做的，還有另一件事
－讓從你生命中我徹徹底底地消失。
當作我們沒有過去，也沒有認識。你的記憶裡沒有我這個人。
分手後，你覺得你看清我了吧。覺得我糟透了。怎麼喜歡上這樣的女生？
很後悔自己之前的愚蠢，為我掉過眼淚很浪費吧？

我聽說了。
你對周圍的朋友說你前女友的不是。那女主角就是我。
對你而言，我可能只是一場噩夢，再慶幸不過能從噩夢中醒來。
不經思索說我壞話，沒什麼大不了的，反正那是你認知的事實。
但遺憾的是，我不爭氣地只記得你的好；
殘忍的是，我...說不出你的不是；
要是說了氣話，心裡閃過的，不是你醜陋的一面，而是失去的美好。
朋友心疼我，數落你時，我還是為你說話...
我還是太在乎你。
知道你只記得我多麼不堪，提到我時，只剩惡言相向...
像被人凌遲。
所以...請你把我從記憶裡刪了。

為你說話，我不是稀罕做什麼好人...
只不捨得你背著所有的罪名。
但做好人，原來。真的。很累。
沒有捨不捨得，最終只換來疲憊。
夜靜下來，一人獨處時，想著惦著戀著...
你過得好不好，騎車時是不是又出了小意外；
有沒有和爸爸又起爭執，發悶氣或難過的自己躲在房里哭？
思念只能化為默念。
我，不能再為你說話了。



不能為自己辯解，也不會有人為我說話，我只能安靜的。
不再為我心目中的你辯護。

ZX

死小孩，你說我才要擔心長大變老這回事。
太過份了，你怎麼能就這樣永遠不長大？
今年的12月，再也沒有一聲「fellow 死小孩」了。
你好好地睡吧，我心目中永遠的小男孩。

死小孩，生日快樂！
· 19 December 2010 at 02:33 ·

• • 
    thank you fellow 死小孩!

    20 December 2010 at 14:18
    
  • 

    :D have lots of fun, merry x'mas in adv!
    and grow older, but dont grow up too much okay? let's continue to be happy 死小孩s!

    20 December 2010 at 16:21
  • 

    lolol i think i wouldnt have to worry about growing up too much! the person who should worry about that is you! haha yea merry xmas in advance too =)
    20 December 2010 at 23:51
    

imagined wings

a sudden wish to fly home just to hug everyone dear. (or wherever you're located right now.) after which, i will soar and return to taipei, for i've no wish to end this lucid dream. not yet.

and i still want to fly to you, the invisible tag.
just to take a peek while you sleep.
before all memories blurred
and pass me by.

...directions?

not that the actual number matters a lot, but as i age, shouldn't i know what i'm doing with myself? the restlessness should go away.

不是錯誤

La douceur qui fascine et le plaisir qui tue.
Ô toi que j'eusse aimée ô toi qui le savais!
-Charles Baudelaire

“令人迷惑的柔媚，那般醉生夢死的愉悅
... 你，我或許愛上，你，該曉得。”

波特萊爾的《致一位路人》，英文翻譯版常見，
我‘集思廣益’後，把最愛的兩句詩句譯成中文。

你是否也只是個過客，不是歸人？

19個月的分別

21歲。不過就是個數字嘛。但也不然。
在日本20歲是成人禮，我國（依立法來看）21歲才是合法成人。若你早些過生日，你不就得在大選和總統競選時投票。（國家大事，就暫且不談了。） 所以，當你又想：“what's the big hooha about turning 21?”，不解（或也不屑）大家大肆慶祝時，不如想想看你的21歲，應該有甚麼意義。你對自己有甚麼期許、對家庭有甚麼責任、對社會甚至是整個世界又將有 甚麼貢獻呢？

有些答案，我自己也還在尋找，不知道我能為家裡、周遭的人事物付出些多少.. 也不知道能為你做些甚麼。不過，我常常有一種想保護你的衝動。（雖然你這麼高－＿－用不著我保護）但是，我還是想維護你、為你出頭說話、支持你做你的軍師 或是聆聽者... 也希望把我有限的經驗濃縮後和你分享，讓你不必那麼辛苦不用走一些我曾走過的冤枉路。

但想想，你若自命懂事成熟的話，我的“金玉良言”可能派不上用場。:P 更何況你的腿這麼長，多走些路，也不費甚麼功夫。可是，有些事我老早就想說，但是你總是不能抽出寶貴的光陰應酬我。有時，多答兩句話就像是要你命，我搞不懂那是我選錯時候寒暄，還是你的問題。反正，乘現在，我就說我的，（也不用看你臉色）你就耐著性子，讀下去吧。

儘管我只大你一歲，但我們的生活體驗，其實迥然不同。從小到大，媽媽總是會覺得我比你幸運些。出國的機會比你多、參加的活動也比你多，雖然中學後我成績未必比你好，但交遊廣闊的姊姊、也常遇貴人相助，似乎是隨心所欲，沒有遇到任何挫折，事事一帆風順。但是，事實不然。生長在同個家庭，讀同間中小學，小時候我們的起跑點是一樣的。即使有再多機會，若我不表現、不突出、不爭取、不堅持，我也沒辦法踏出去看看不一樣的世界。

媽媽可能認為就我較幸運罷了，但是我可以告訴你，要吸引別人的目光、要贏得別人的贊許認可、要證明自己與眾不同，這一定不是光靠運氣。若你曾默默地埋怨過，為甚麼姊姊每次都有出國的機會，那現在你或許試回想看，你是否有多付出多表現，爭取自己想要的。我。不。是。要。炫。耀。也沒甚麼好炫耀的。只是希望你明白，有些事不是偶然僥倖罷了，而是個性使然。在報館對立的上司都對我很好，給我機會也幫我不少時，媽媽又認為我幸運時，你知道嗎－這也絕非偶然。職場上的生存之道，也不是我這一兩年才開始學習到的。當你選擇做些甚麼不做些甚麼，我就選擇從小打工，學習外界的待人處事。

有時我會想，要得到外界的認同比得到家裡的肯定，還要容易。因為，我的弟弟，可能會想，她憑甚麼。媽媽或許會把一切歸功於運氣，而爸也不過認為，怎麼樣都好，反正都是為了自己，把我看作新生代的自立及自私。說幸運的話，我倒覺得你比我幸運多了，我們一家都很疼你，媽媽是，爸也是（無論你懂不懂），我也是。我也認為媽媽是偏著你，最近也為此和她大吵一架。我不是埋怨她，偏心本來就很難避免的。

我知道她也很疼我。但我是真受不了她要裝作大公無私，不能認清她自己更偏護你的行為。我也知道我脾氣壞，好勝心強，做我父母，也很可憐。想做孝順的女兒，卻每每不能和媽媽和平共處。有你在，我很放心，因為我知道，你和媽媽會處得比我和她好。你成績好，我一直都是以你為傲，不會因此感到有壓力要做得比你好。但生活上，你的有條不紊、責任感、節儉持家，都是媽媽看重的優點，也全都是我的弱點。

母女之間總是有一種很微妙的關係。
她也用她的方式表現愛，煮我愛吃的、打點我生活上瑣事。但我累了，不想媽媽每次都把我的弱點放大來看。（在外，我常被稱讚獨立自主，但在她眼中，這似乎也更像 是缺點。）我並不是想為自己辯護，但確實感受不到媽媽給與認同。所以老實說，出國留學，除了能因興趣而學習，我開心的是能獨自在外，雖然會想家，但鬆了一口 氣。我也不知道為甚麼我的對抗性會這麼強，不怕起衝突，但幸好你是屬於比較溫馴的孩子。如果女孩子該怎麼樣怎麼樣，或是得柔順才是個好女兒，那我似乎還欠些甚麼，但你卻完完全全補足了我身為女兒所有的不足。

21歲，應該有甚麼意義。你對自己有甚麼期許、對家庭有甚麼責任、對社會甚至是整個世界又將有甚麼貢獻呢？－－－你將來在事業上能做甚麼、該做甚麼，我不知道。你也未曾和我分享過你所抱有的夢想。但我對21歲的你說了這麼多，以上的一切一切，只有兩個重點：
1）性格掌控命運。若要改變命運，就得改變性格。不是要你變得更像我或誰，而是要你更實在的認清自己的個性，做出適當的調整以追求你想要的人生。
2）你對我愛理不理的態度，我也倦了，但非常感謝你是一個好兒子，讓我能跑遠一點，和家裡保持一些距離，而不用和媽媽一直起摩擦。

總之，不論我多想盡姊姊的職責愛護弟弟、或是倚老賣老不停地念著有的沒的，我都希望你幸福快樂、不希望你受傷、不捨得你被任何人欺負（朋友、另一半、上司，任何人... 除了我例外。 :p）但我一直碎碎念也沒用，成長不就是在跌跌撞撞中，一直繼續勇往直前，我們才會蛻變吧？

（我一貫在家是報喜不報憂，但你最好別學我，還是希望你呢，任何時候有問題，會找我。）


祝 胸襟闊達
。 視野廣闊

gnelkom

莫林其妙的心痛。

moving on.

don't do this anymore.

stop backtracking.

語言學導師說：

作業收到了，又是一個有趣的主題，而且看得出來你寫這份報告又更用心了。
你有很高的才華，只是你的表現不很穩定。從你的敘述中，更見出這點特質。
你似乎處於一種煩躁的狀態中，對自己不很瞭解，對未來也頗茫然，但是內心又有很強大的力量，大膽地帶著自己四處闖蕩。

很高興你從上台報告的經驗中更加認識自己，看到自己一些寶貴的特質。
我們的人生都只能靠自己帶領，你要善待自己，讓自己過得更自在、更安穩、更光彩。前題是，要看到自己的價值，要懂得提昇自己。從你敘述的諸種擔憂中，你很難否認，你沒有自知之明，而且到了一種離譜的地步。若空有才華而不自知，就太遺憾了。千萬別讓這樣的憾事發生在自己身上。不要再浪費精力在無謂的擔憂上，而是靜下心來，好好認識自己，引領自己。相信我，你會看到無比美麗的自己。

祝福你再上層樓！

真心話。

生日快樂。真正的快樂。

choked

this is one of those days...

when i could deceive myself into accepting your sympathy.

today i'm fired.
i had called up the tutor recruiting centre to request for a new tutee. the lady on the line asked me to transfer funds to the same bank account. again. before she could introduce new assignments to me. there goes the last few grands in my bank account meant for this month's rent. the only comfort i've is that the introduction fee could be recouped in 2 weeks once i start on my new assignment and in a month's time, i would make enough to pay for this month's rent and meals.

that is if i manage to get another assignment that could last more than a month.

that is if the tutee doesn't finally decide she fancies learning Japanese more than English.

that is if the parent could accept an unfamiliar accent.

just an hour ago, i scrolled through my phone book, looking for someone to talk to. only at that moment i realized- i'm truly on my own. i didn't confide in anyone i got to know in Taipei. these friendships are too fresh.

being jobless is the least of my problems now.

and only you know.

the only people i could ever imagine telling are 1) sherhan or 2) mommy and cindy.
if i told sher... i can't, i just can't. i'm ashamed. as for mommy and cindy, i wish that, you, as their son, would come clean with them. they've been treating me like a daughter. the immense guilt and the whole pretense have became more than what i can deal with. they thought it's the breakup. no, it's you. you and those words- "i can't.." my weekly conversations with your parents made my heart swing like a pendulum. on one end, i'm thankful for their concern and love. it reminds me how it's like to feel loved as though i'm family. on the other end, the guilt and grief catch up with me. sometimes, i'm on the verge of screaming at them, "why? how could your son be so fucking selfish? if the problem lies with me, if i'm the bitch who deserved this pain, then you guys should leave me alone!" but they have been most kind and loving towards me. they surely don't deserve my outburst and i'm still not ready to just cut them out of my life. this is the very last time i'm going to cry in front of your parents. who am i to upset them and make them worried sick?

those tears of guilt and bitterness, will you ever know? i can't go on hoping for time to rewind.

when a dream is the reality

i can't cook. i don't know how to do this chore, or have time to complete that task..
someone gave me a hard push, i went crashing onto the ground. my knee were bleeding. i could see scraps of my skin being tattooed onto the concrete surface.

"i can sketch for you, i can download songs for you
and i can cook for you and i'll love you."

those were the words of yesterdays once whispered into my ears.
the jolted memory pricked the spot where it hurts most.

"hey, wake up, do you wanna go up with me?" lun asked.
i blinked, blinking away the tears; i stared at the person in front of me.
for a moment, i didn't recognise her. i wan't even sure where i was.

i must have fallen asleep on the sofa in the lobby.
my Taiwanese girlfriend had just saved me from going through such similar dream once again. those dreams aren't just dreams, they are real. you did walked away. i'm indeed miles away from home, away from all of you and that guilt is real. that is a pain that breathes.



i'm afraid to fall asleep, too fearful of such dreams.
don't tell me it's just a nightmare.
it isn't!

nightmare doesn't haunt you in school, at work, or every idle second when your mind wanders.

lie to me

i don't know what has gotten into me.

a good weekend trip that sweet talked the brain into thinking i'm faring better?
a long skype convo with best friend and i forgot about reality checks?
or is it the whole-month-zero-contact made me overconfident and i thought i can do this?

i don't know.
but one thing for sure, is, having courage is just not enough.

after deleting him off facebook, skype, msn.. whatever,
it doesn't mean i've deleted him from my life.
emails had became the only contact point.
and after that last email, it's good bye to me and all that guilt tagging behind,
good riddance no? did that cyber face-to-face moment caught you off guard?
judging from your reaction, it must have. then, that's too bad.

summer is here faster than i thought it would.
i was only talking to mommy and daddy 2 weeks ago about our trip in May,
and now, it's already April. the school has just sent a reminder to all:
it's time to book lodging for any family or friend coming for the graduation in June.

remember that little kiddy game on the cereal box?
you've to draw some line to join the dots, then you get the whole picture.
this is how one thing leads to the other.
the dots linked up together and i thought of you time after time.
summer. graduation week. room reservation for visiting family. your impending trip.
23 June, the day i look forward to most, for many months,
now became the day i dreaded most.
"what should i do.. what should i do... this is my only chance."
the only chance to be alone. to find out if what had happened,
really had some meaning to our lives.
why?!! why am i still stuck in this lousy stage of..
"finding-(or worse still, GIVING)-some-meaning to it-all". pathetic.
not that any Q&A between us would help any more.

yes, i'm still in love with you.

but no.
there isn't any need to worry about you, worry for you or prepare anything for your trip.
"settled." that's all you said.
i see. the joke is on me. all the time wasted on unnecessary planning.
how should we face each other? worrying about that is redundant.
i shouldn't even think of it.
obviously, the reason you wanted to come to Taipei for, has ceased to exist.
now, it's just my wishful thinking. how silly-
to hope for, love. and an apology in person.
that i've been made to fend for myself alone.
to think of, these two weeks will become precious memory.
to worry that, what consequences it might bring.

i've forgotten that you're incapable of love;
you don't see yourself this way of course.
it's my fault, i should have reminded myself of this constantly.
and stop harbouring any hope that what i've went through here alone,
has made you learnt something. or that, love, isn't about just you not getting hurt.
all we can do is go hiding from the ugly truth. sadly i cant hide from myself.
else, i would flee too, if i were you.

oh right, i've forgotten about it, again. you've let someone into your heart.
run to her, let her be your lover aunt agony and heal you. hold you till you're better.
so did you? talk to her about my call, get some comfort, then drift off to sleep
in the mid of studying for exams, gaming online and basking in love?

on that fateful day, 1 March, i wished fervently, someone could be here with me,
to hold onto me as the blood flowed.. or just gave me the support i need.
the very person whom i trusted.

have you ever seen so much blood.
from your own accidents? maybe.
when you bled, doesn't it hurt?
but at least you remained intact, somewhat.
i bled till there's nothing left in me.
it's no accident. i've lost due to despair.

if grief is not enough,
another serving of disappointment sure helps to take some bitterness away.
"do not do this anymore, do not let others have control over your life anymore."
i repeat this silently.



lie to me.
don't just apologise.
don't say you can't fix anything.
we both know that's lie.
you can. you can fix this.
lie to me.

a bit over a month

the forgotten one.
the one whom we don't speak of.

pushed to the back of the mind where the unwanted clutter resides.
maybe memories aren't worth much, specially not those of me;
then why am i still holding onto such a beautiful belief, the one which fails me?

i do not know anything anymore.
am i leading a life which i'm proud of?
have i make you happy? have i make a difference in your life?

it doesn't matter if one has found joy.
it doesn't matter as it has been found and it can be lost.
"i can be happy on my own," so i told myself, "even if i'm not happy now."
all that's left to do is to find a purpose for the present.
"this is gonna be nothing when you look back." isn't that what they all say?
most likely, they are right, this is nothing. at most, shattered pieces of distant past.
they better be right.


i'm okay,
because,
that's how i replied everyone;
i'm going to be okay,
because that's what i've told myself.

surviving life

something is dying inside me.
or is it.. something inside me has died.

philosophy classes aren't helping. but the never ending Questions and the lifetime quest for answers (which existence we doubt, at least i doubt, as a sceptic) are good distractions from my life itself. some of us lead lives full of vulgar mundanes; some lives are naively built on foolish desires and beliefs; while the rest of the population simply struggles to survive... life.

that, too, sums up my life for now nicely: mundaneness, hopelessly hopeful for the wrong.. things, and struggling to feed myself.

i'm not new to the role of a starving student.
i'm trying to make ends meet, while running against Time, or am i fighting for more time? dear Time, please bloody upgrade my day to a 72hours version. i need time to work. i need time for studies. i need more time to find more sources of income. i need more time to be a decent daughter and a caring sister. i need time to move on.. i need time to push me into a future where you will never appear again.



go on.
just go on, soon you'll be looking back and laughing how pathetic those church mouse days were, and how great it is once you managed to survive some hard knocks.

even these words of encouragement sound weak and hollow to myself.
weak and hollow. stuff that my soul is made of. weak and hollow.

cleaning up the mess..

to fulfill the prerequisite for starting afresh.

it breathes and lives

scared.

solidarity is when you've to face consequences, in the sea of strangers, alone.
while, courage is when you take charge of your own life and live with your decision.
am i brave enough? can i do this on my own? or should i take the other way out?
what if this is the wrong decision to make, do i have a second chance to retrace my steps, i don't. just one wrong step, it will be the silent guilt i live with for the rest of my life. only those who are scarred the same way, will see me, for who i really am.

this is a physical pain.
this is a pain that will always breathe and live.

you can't

where do i go..
god, if you really could hear me, i pray for courage. i pray for wisdom.

---

"not emotionally. i cant give."
because it's too recent. give it time.. you need to give it time..

i want to give us time.
I WANT TIME TO MOVE FASTER, I WANT TO MOVE ON.
you don't want to be tied down, guess what? i don't want to be trapped too.
i hate to see myself dwelling in the past, a past that could be trashed into bin
when one of us leaves, when one of us has fast-forwarded into a life where the other person doesn't belong.

yet, this time round, i don't have time. i need a plan. a decision. a life altering decision. most of all, i need a chance.

responsibility, love and fear, ultimately you chose fear. the help that you can offer is meaningless, do you know? what i needed most is something only you, no one else, only only only you could give. yet, that fear of yours is so great. being emotionally inovlved will hurt you? you're afraid of getting hurt so you can't.

you can't..

you can turn a blind eye and live your life.
you can choose to give and stand by me.
you can try to help, and pretend that you've done your best to your ability, the ability limited by fear, the selfish fear of getting hurt.

you pull away from me for the fear of getting hurt. you said, a part of you is dead.
you never knew i wish that i'm dead.

if you don't love me, i'll understand. i wouldn't call up a person who don't love me for support. i wouldn't be so stupid to risk such a rejection.

it's not that i'm not afraid of getting hurt.
trust me, each time before i bare my heart out in front of you, i'm already hurt.
i know it might be another futile attempt to let you know i've faith in us, i still try anyway. i hate myself for being useless at holding back tears. this is not just about being emotional. it hurts so bad, real bad, by showing you again and again how vulnerable i'm when i face you. i hate myself for crying for you, in front of you. it disgusts me to show my weakness time after time, when i know you could only walk away. if i could, i'll disguise i'll hide my vulnerability and be the one who walks away. even if i walk away to hole up somewhere to cry my heart out.

there is a constant stream of pain. it started from the day, when you acted like you could fuck the whole world without a care and still come back to me because i'll still be there for you. after accepting and believing that all it matters, is the emotional attachment, the story unfolds with another character, so i'm still hurt once again. you're not the only one who tried to see things from my point, i've put in efforts too. you've your own set rational and theory and i always buy it because i believe you. yet i'm hurt.

this is not a competition and i definitely don't want to win this race. other than being hurt, i still face you even when i'm scared. and now, i'm carrying the fear with me everyday. this is the kind of pain that breathes and lives. after being hurt too many times to ignore, it's time to rescue myself. by fencing myself up, being unreachable so maybe no one else can be allowed in, i thought maybe i could be safe. but now, i'm at the most difficult crossroad in my life. i need to hear your voice, i need a confirmation, i need support, emotional support.

till now, your words are still ringing in my ears, your own voice rejecting my silent plea. don't you think i will fear this moment? don't you think no matter how you've been pained, i've suffered no less?

should we have known we will bring us heartaches.. will we steer clear of each other and not cross path or will we still embrace passion which only leads to disaster?

---

"i don't know you anymore. actually i don't really know you."

think. please stop justifying and just recall. when have you stop taking time to listen? really listen to me with your heart and discover something new about me every now and then, not just putting up the perfunctory show of "being there"? please don't take it the wrong way again, it pains me to realize that too, when we talked, you weren't really there. and to see you brighten up when you read certain text messages, her messages? it hurts that i'm no longer that person who brings that smile to your face. when we slipped away from each other, you're busy getting to know someone else better. you're putting in efforts to cultivate your r/s with her, yes, it's a r/s that finally surfaced, while reassuring all we need is time, 2 years. just give us time, you said.

you don't know me? i'm the fool who thinks you're the s...

救我

再害怕
再想念
都不可以
打電話給他

不可以
林笨蛋
聽到了嗎

你，不可以

你不需要同情

'oh, happy birthday.' she whispered to herself on your behalf.

i miss you terribly.





the dinner at bedrock was awesome, not for the food though.
it was my girls who made me feel i'm still so so so lucky.

the comfy big bed that i'm lying on now feels empty.
the twin bathtubs weren't that fun too.
he's sweet and caring she's drunk yet lovely but i'm still getting over an asshole.
not quite successful..
no?

i miss you.

好痛

呼吸時會隱隱作痛
這是時時刻刻的痛

再累卻睡不著的日子
又糾纏不清

回家只想倒頭大睡
憋著氣直到眼前的世界消失

喝下通往夢境的解藥
寧願杯里的酒是孟婆湯

能不能一了百了
能不把你當氧氣就好

and.. so it is.

i've no doubt that i'm not much of a writer, not a brilliant one definitely.
i still went back to the office where i left nearly a year ago. i need to feel useful, i need to write, so as to seek comfort in the very environment where neurotics breed. ironic, isn't it?

despite we've only arranged work for a week, this short period of hectic schedule helps me cope. being always on the go... penning the life stories of others... work has never been such a relief, until now. maybe it's a tabloid journalist's habit. maybe it's just me. i would dig out any first hand information i could. and it wasn't hard. she always uses part of her name as input for the domains. after a few combination and permutation of her nicknames and proper names on all the major blog hosting sites, there we go, at least 3 free access materials.



the cringe on your face.
i always remember how you laughed at my language.
after reading her writings, i still defiantly write this entry in English.
how mocking.

the differences between you and me, are too many to count. but this is a fact we've known since day one. what i didn't know was, how could it become your exit excuse too? i didn't know the distance was too vast to overcome? "i don't want anyone, i don't want you or her. if i've to choose, i'll have none of you." you once said this to me when i was still in taipei. after reading your text to meimei, after telling you that i did so, after hearing it for myself again, "she's my girlfriend, i want her, i don't want you." and.. so it is.

there is a lie in every belief.

your new names

asshole, jerk, bastard, cheater..

all these names are empty words. they don't serve their purpose of hurling me into the reality. i know the girls were just trying to beat some sense into me, but all the name-calling just became constant reminders of you. i've stopped defending you; there's no more strength left in me, only truck loads of stupidity.



心甘情願，選擇做個笨女人。怨不得人。

the book that burns me

they teased him about 'Dina'. they laughed at the latest gossips. they talked about their university lives and any other random topics that came up. i was not really there with them, barely contributing to the conversation. at best, i was only pulling an half-ass effort. a smile, plastered onto my face, was working its charm as an amulet. i hope it would ward off any unwanted attention or question. but i should be glad for their company. in fact, i should be grateful for any forms of distraction now.

after dinner, we went for first round of drinks. soon, we crossed the streets to our next destination. more drinks followed. soon, when it was time to call it a night, i panicked. i couldn't go back so early. it would be many hours before i could drift off to sleep. so i suggested supper even when my stomach had almost reached its full capacity. they gamely (or was it gravely?)agreed and made their way towards the east side.

the food was tasteless.


the problem lies with me. i'm just buying time, hoping for less alone time. i need to escape from myself. where is my mind. where is it? i need to do exactly what you said- mind over heart. the book that lies on my bed now, belongs to her. it is already five forty in the morning, i still can't get over it. should i give into the urge to run to the bus stop, hop onto the first bus and go to your place to drop off this hot potato. i badly want to return the book. it's burning me.

i didn't run to anywhere. it's six fifty seven now, i remain in my bed.
i'm afraid to invade your personal space so suddenly, afraid that you feel suffocated that i'm being cranky and clingy. i'm clingy, clinging onto to some hope.

the truth is, i'm afraid to see someone else in that L-shaped space in your bed.

最後..

..讓我感動的是，她的眼淚。
媽媽真的捨不得我。看起來媽媽比我還要難過。
在心疼我的同時，她在擔心自己的兒子是否會再犯錯。
再次傷害另一顆心。這一點，我不能為他打包票。
不過，我希望他不會後悔他的決定。



我得到了難能可貴非親非故的親情，失去的卻是..

a new day

even when she's not that hungry, she could eat a cow. it's amazing how she had just gone without eating for 2 days.

what good is all these hiding to her? i don't know, nothing much, i guess. she's back to the same ground. she ignored her cell phone, she wouldn't answer the door or pick up her dorm phone. another call came. a name closer to home appeared on the screen.

she forced herself to eat some soup and broccoli; those were the only items in her fridge. she couldn't finish that bowl of food without feeling disgusted and almost vomited. splashing her face with icy tap water, she looked up into the mirror above the basin. a pair of swollen eyes stared back. then, she carefully applied her makeup, put on a new pair of coloured contacts lens. she gathered the pile of clothes that she just stripped off and deposited it in the laundry basket. layering a red parka over a short dress, she pulled a wool hat over her messy hair. she wore her favourite over-knee length boots.

almost there.. she thought to herself. she took a last glance at the mirror, ditching her failed attempts for a last try. a wistful smile. at least, it's a smile. somewhat satisfied with her effort, she locked her door behind her and stepped out into the cold streets.

looking at the transformation, i thought she looked good enough for a night of wild partying even although the weekend had come and gone while she hid in her shell. in the mid of a conversation, she wasn't really there though. it's easy to tell. it's the faraway look of those misty eyes.

how could she lock herself up.

最後一個月

在日本，20歲者必須行成年禮。而在我國，當我滿21歲時，就是法定的成年人。但，這一年來，我待人處事是否有別於過往、是否更加成熟穩重了、是否有長進？還有一個月。但我.. 還有時間力往狂瀾嗎？是否已經錯過了黃金期。

我離開前，你為自己定了一個期限。這次，我也為自己定一個死期，死心之期。到時我再蓋棺而論吧。

not the one

an advice from the girl with the radiant face:

that simply means he's not the one.

her words aren't meant to be bitter. she's an exchange student, who came to Taipei for a mere 4 months to complete her credits, after which, she's done with school. ("for good!" she laughed.) all that is left for she had to do, is to finish off THAT linguistics paper which tormented the both of us. the very same paper signifies the start of a path which i hope i'll not regret after 4 years.

"and then i'm done! :D just gonna wait for my fiance to join me here to travel and party for a week before heading back to the States." she beamed at me.

there's something about her. her aura.
it gives off some much sparks that i feel her presence had lit up the dorm lobby. that infectious smile (which nothing else recently had been able to) had lifted my spirits, in a bizarre way. she's beautiful, big and tall. but what was stuck in my mind- the image of her tanned skin, great smile, and that halo. her love for life.

her positivity proved to be too much for me. the happiness that she eluded is so glaring that it felt like i've been staring at the mid-noon sun for too long. dizzy spells.

-------

"FIANCE?!" i shrieked.

after dating the younger guy for 4 years, she told me she got engaged not too long ago, although she's only going 24 and him 23. despite the fact that her parents have not been informed of this special seal of love, she still believes there will be a happy ending for them. it's not the age that matters to her parents; they wanted her to marry an Asian, preferably a Chinese, but he's a Latino, so a big no-no..

"really.. you'll know it when you see it. he's the one. you might not realize it from day one, but certainly there will be signs." the very words that spilled from her mouth, were words that i thought i believed in. but now, this is just an abstract concept that escapes me.

before we said our good nights, she mentioned something along the line of- if you're the only one wanting it to happen, it simply means that he's not the one.


i'm in a state of limbo, heavily peppered with confusion.
(but i know, the likelihood of the letter staying unsent, has just went up another notch.)

only you

i've taken the whole of last night to write the following note and stored it as draft on Facebook.

[but, it's highly possible that i (again) dare not send out a letter that i already wrote, for the fear of trying and failing. somewhat, it's more reassuring to know that if i never try, i've technically not failed. the outcome.. simply became what it had to become due to... the invisible force at work! at least, the (feared and failed) outcome was not a product of my intervention with my words.]

nicky

when i asked you for your schedule, we both know this will go either way-
us not meeting at all or we'll spend any borrowed time together as much as we can. yet, it seems.. you've no intentions to holding onto me, or us i should say?
no qualms that this may be the best solution for us.

from that moment i replied you, "don't do this.." (don't ask for my flight details)
i hope you get it- you can't be there to pick me up with someone else in your mind, in your heart.
you should have known that, when i finally worked up the courage to admit to you, i love you, i've given my all. using all the courage i could command, feeling like this is using the last trump card, i wanted us and now i still do. what i certainly didn't expect, (especially not too long after my heartfelt confession) you've to put us through a test, asking me what if there's someone... what if? how silly. i should have trusted my instinct and tell you directly back then, no, don't do it, no what ifs.

instead, i trusted you over myself.

..trusting that you'll not be serious, you'll not bear to cause hurt to me.
temptations sure as hell do exist, but how could i trust you to play the field and even when your emotions are swayed, i thought you'll keep them in check and things would not develop? (i do resent you for not keeping to your bottomline, for not even bothering to curb yourself before it goes full-blown, the disappointment is huge, you can't imagine the impact, can you? i broke down on too many a night. but right now, i want to forget about all these.)

till this day, i still refuse to believe that you fell... that.. i can't bring myself to put it into the very precise words again. you can say the words i can't say, to another audience. not me, not ever again; it cuts like razor.

(i'm in denial. she's an infatuation.)

still, i believe your words: you could fuck the world and come back to me. even when you confessed about it, i lied to myself, it's just a passing infatuation, either she's or i'm, ha, and waved it off. (but... could it be me? maybe it's me, that is why he's not willing to do anything about it now? my confidence is currently in bits and pieces.. i don't know it for sure now..)

you know what hurts the most? you telling me that you love me, yet still hurting me the same, when you know i can't share, when you know it will hurt me, big time. i can't. i simply can't. (i wonder, you don't know how badly this is eating away the girl whom you did fall in love with too a year ago, or did you choose to turn a blind eye, to avoid handling the mess?) the thing is, i've compromised on anything else i could to please you, to make this (your on-hold concept) work, to give us a chance. i tell myself, i don't want us to end.

is this all that it takes to overtake what we share?

starting from the days, when both fought against the feelings they had for each other yet sought comfort from each other, as one of them was going away from his past, and the other one was so uncertain about her (then) present. then she gave in, confessing her true feelings, hoping for a new start a proper start of their relationship, waiting for his reply at the bus stop. dramas followed. after which, finally there was a silver lining, he came to terms to his own feelings and fears, although they didn't proceed on as how they could have been (a regular couple) if not for the misunderstanding and mis-communication, they still continued to see each other.

she had met the bitter the angry the un-trusting nic who had teared in front of her due to varied causes- an ex, parents, loss of dear ones and his own future. he was the very embrace she sought when she cried over an ambiguous r/s, when she was stressed out, frustrated, tired or sick and during times when she cried over her family.. they've been there for each other through the better times and the tough rough patches. all of that till now.

i know, you've told me again and again: you've reached a stage, you don't need or want anyone. honestly, i wanted to ask, what about us, it's not just about me. what about wanting to be who you are, when you're with me? me, the someone who reassures you when you've issues, the someone who gives full support to your dreams, who pampers you more than she cares for herself. because, i thought the feeling was mutual, wanting the soulmate we found in each other? i want my soulmate, the someone who grows with me, who is not afraid of going through shit for me and even had gotten down because he doubted his ability to cheer me up.

baby, i've tried my damn best; i've bent my own beliefs, although i can't lead your kind of lifestyle, i love you for you. and now, i've hit rock bottom, i don't think i can go any lower than this. this. is the limit.

i can't live in the shadow. because of love, i choose not to judge flaws and faults i accept i forgive readily, but it doesn't anesthetize the pain. how much faith am i supposed to have in us? what you don't see/know is that, this is not my faith ebbing; it's my sanity, gnawed. can't live in the shadow anymore.. the shadow of the girl who i used to be.

this is me, at my lowest lowliest, swallowing any pride that is if i still have any, making an attempt to change your mind.

is there a chance you may change your mind?

will you be willing to try? for me? to at least curb yourself now, to stop showing her your affection, to cut back on interaction? and slowly, will you lock it away? will you one day, stop having feelings for her?

i've said it, i'll say it again.

"only come and fetch me home from the airport if you truly love me."

please be true.


(maybe i'll post this privately and tag him before i fly home. maybe i'll put us through the trial directly and see if he shows up.. if he did, maybe i'll be happily snuggling up to him in bed while he reads this off his mac.. if it is a no-show, maybe i'll pen it down, send him the hard copy via snail mail, and say, this is how low i could go for you. but no more. so please do me a favour, if i go looking for you, push me away. you know if i could, i would have walked away from all these heartaches many times ago, but i couldn't!! so.. be cruel, be cold and unfeeling since you cannot afford to be true to me. delete me from your life. till we're ever ready to see each other without memories of these scars.)

劇終

不想。
不相信。
不該相信。
不能再次掉入深淵。

18年

假如你爱一个人，
但你也介意这爱情可有收获时，
你只是为爱情而经营爱情而已。

假如你能够爱一个人，
而不介意对方会不会给你同等的爱时，
那你已经迈进了一大步。

甚至你明知道，
自己所付出的爱是不可能有回报，
但你仍然无条件爱他时，那已经无话可说，
那是真正的爱了。

－ 吴韦材 (2003-04-07)

犯賤

忍不住，臉頰又溼了。

剛剛念到的：求則得之，舍則失之。
不正是給現在的自己最佳的勸言嗎？
我放棄了自我，失去對自己的尊重？

不會向友人訴苦.. 自作孽不可活也。

當忍耐達到極限時，我不會再為你落淚。

the morning after

then i realised i don't belong to anywhere, or anyone.

a love that dares not speak its name

sleepless nights on replay
foolishly hankering for the past
yet another day
only the painful images stay

what could make it so strong
a longing that doesn't belong
the silent expectation that would sound a gong
or just more seduction served up in thongs

recycled confusion disregards sensation
have talks been disconnected
our hearts going through another round of dilution
or was it disillusion reenacted

i'm closing the doors
you don't have to crawl
this is a song no more
because my faith went out of stock

morrie

have you read tuedays with morrie?
have you met your morrie?

i've met mine.

...and i love him, more than i should.
more than what i would dare to admit.






do you think my morrie know?

for my funeral..

please play this song. thank you.

nocturne
now let the day
just fade away
so the dark night
may watch over you

velvet blue silent true
it embraces your heart
and your soul
nocturne

never cry never sigh
you don't have to wonder why
always be always see
come and dream the night with me
nocturne

have no fear
when the night draws near
and fills you
with dreams and desire

like a child asleep
so warm so deep
you will find me there
waiting for you
nocturne

we will fly claim the sky
we don't have to wonder why
always be always see
come and dream the night with me
nocturne

though darkness lay
it will give away
when the dark night
delivers the day
nocturne



the original version has only 24 words.

la dagen få
sin hvile nå
og natten vil våke for den
nocturne

se mørket må
engang forgå
så natten kan føde en dag
-Norwegian

directly translates to:
let the day take
its rest now
and the night will awaken/watch over it
nocturne

behold, the darkness must
eventually cease
so the night can give birth to a day

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nocturne_%28Secret_Garden_song%29

迟到的肯定

原来。

我曾经很重要。
不敢自以为是的我，刚从你嘴里听到。

虽然己事过境迁，但庆幸能回到原点。
还能说说笑笑，直视你不再尴尬的瞬间。

谁说过的抱歉、说不出口的那句最后防线；
记不记得那时说的话，慢慢的.. 都不是焦点。

这不是句点，是重新面对面、微笑着的起点。

无泪

這就是一個欲哭無淚的故事。

水缸：不能擁有，不能負荷，但對你的喜歡超載... 抱抱我好嗎？
海水：我也喜歡你啊，不過你的容量..只有那麽一點點...
你不能完完全全擁有我。我也抱不了你，你承受不了我的所有所有...
（語氣怎麽像是在哄小孩？）

海水：我只會從你身邊流(溜)走。
在岸上的水缸很認真地思考，慢吞吞地說了一句：
我不能包容你的一切嗎？
海水微笑著搖了搖頭。

水缸有點哀傷..但突然她開懷天真的笑了。

話未說完，她縱身一跳入大海。

“不要......！”






這就是一個欲哭無淚的故事。
因爲大海不知道那是海水還是淚水。

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

never say never. idealising the him/her for us, we laughed when we looked at the one we now hold. couldn’t two seemingly different worlds collide? habits formed, secrets swapped, the dreamers just spiralled closer towards each other. old wounds, albeit almost healed, reminds, ”maybe this’s a game, a lie, another mistake that we made.” lucidity and emotions don’t co-exist, now i do feel silly. afraid of falling, of the pain and loss, i know everyone has to entertain these little voices whispering of those fears. still, i’ll stay; for the magic doesn’t lie with the three words but you.

"i think i need a new heart"

don't we all want a renewal, an exchange,
better still a refund for the damaged goods
(that fragile organ whose value is slashed again
and again in the bargain for love)


do you?



picture credits: timothy cook
http://www.silencieux.net/

she (part I)

13 Jan
drank, yet, was awfully sober; she kept her smile in place, (only if they knew this is the secret methodology of micro-managing her tears) then she dreamt a lil' dream of melons and cigarettes, scissors and happiness, coffee and yogurt, running and ...

... woke up from it all. mindful of the gin the tequila the beer the mess the clothes the stranger in bed who she couldn't recognize in the mirror at first glance. "honey it's time to go.." began the silent monologue. awesome, she thought, knowing the routine too well. far too well by heart, she picked up the pieces after herself and left. she tried to pick up. or did she..



14 Jan
danced, with a fever. she wasn't ill; it was the light-headedness. she couldn't feel her feet, how could she? in that state of delirium, even a twisted ankle would be neglected. her partner's scorching touch had her anesthetized, and induced euphoria...

...her waist, the small of her back, and the under-curve of left breast where his finger last glided past, now all bore his brand- the subtly potent scent. his aftershave? perhaps, it was just the soap. vertigo, in the name of love, would it last, she wondered.

可能

放纵自己，过着不属于我的生活，像爱丽丝落入不同的世界。
时间过得记忆中的日子还快，也可能是记忆的影子被拉长了。
眨眼瞬间，再怎么努力都想不起，这段日子是怎么过得。
恋上...所谓的“可能”。

Pascal's triangle

when addition becomes complex, i'm amazed that this already knotty affair has room for further complication. i've failed A.Maths umpteen times back in school. i had taken home a 3/50 for E.Maths. yet, when it comes to Binomial theorem? i'm gifted in creating expansions.

不是浪漫的不期而遇
更不是什么命中注定
纯粹应该只是工作关系

一雙會微笑的眼睛
曾经迷恋过類似的神情
但我知道
這扇窗通往不一樣的心靈

油腔滑调的调侃
有意無意參雜曖昧不清
但，这种对白不具意义
所以，内容我从不去记

却也是同一张嘴
能安抚人心能善解人意
用说的用不说的
我都听得进去

坚定的语气
不由得你不相信
不容你去质疑
他的诚信

（即使他只是在玩把戏
我也选择在谎言里溺毙）

有溫度的雙手攔截住了
一滴淚水坠落之际

明白被捧在手心
卻並非就是珍惜

但如果沒有遇見你
我將會落在哪裏

feeling like i never should

living a life that i can't leave behind
while every day my confusion grows
i'm waiting for that final moment
you'll say the words that i can't say



why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday

i'm not sure what this could mean
i don't think you're what you seem
i do admit to myself
that if i hurt someone else
then i'll never see just what we're meant to be

___________________________________________________


han thinks i'm falling..
there isn't any love, actually.
(or at least, i'm still in denial..)

maybe.

i know, this's not quite it.
yet, there isn't a better term to label this feeling.
over infatuation, beyond friends, not merely physical.



bizzare, yes.

virgin clubber

decision made.

i'm going clubbing (or mambo, that is) tonight. and my nerves are tangled like the mop on my head, also known as hair. i wonder why.

definitely not because this's the first (perhaps only) time.








mind-mapping:

"MAMBO"
-v
-han
-W
-v
-v
-v
-...

fatalistic optimism

L: loneliness is easier to deal with than disappointment.

W: life's simple, fill with surprise, everything is a surprise not a chance for disappointment dear.







that reply came as a curve ball.. she must give it to him, a come-back of mid-sentence stopping capability. simple yet brilliant. and she knows, this's his signature.

4 days old friendship at 1am

Wanted: cougar says:
*i have another job to work now
*things we do for money
*is it worth it? selling your soul

-ménage à trois says:
*你在出卖灵魂？hmmm...我想也是。
*没办法，谁叫你的肉体不值钱。

___________________________________________

-ménage à trois says:
*and that's not the worst
*the worst is i'm fcuking dumb/mule stubborn
*when it comes to r/s.. if i fall in love, i fall hard,
*that flat-on-your-face kinda..
*i simply dont know how to break my fall with
*hands or just get away with some abrasions on
*my knees.. i think i've painted that picture of my
*kind of FALLing in love very well..

Wanted: cougar says:
*that's the awesome part, and also the shit part, really
*it takes alot to be willing to fall completely in love
*and i like that
*maybe its masochism

-ménage à trois says:
*no. the awesome part is i'm so serious kind of 100% giver

Wanted: cougar says:
*男人不坏，女人不爱 :P

-ménage à trois says:
*the shitty part is the lucky bastard took me for granted

Wanted: cougar says:
*well, you see the light now?
*run!
*run away

___________________________________________

Wanted: cougar says:
*so, that's why i ask, what's in it for you?

-ménage à trois says:
*easy
*companionship.

Wanted: cougar says:
*i guess. the feeling is pretty good sometimes, when you're lonely

-ménage à trois says:
*someone who is not just a taker, and clicks on my level,
*and amazingly is my cuppa-tea (well, pure infatuation
*at first now i know, it wouldn't grow into love, that's why..
*now i'm happy yet worried..)
*happy knowing, he would be a friend in long run
*worried, because, HA, i get sense of security from knowing
*i would NOT fall for somone, how sick is it.

Wanted: cougar says:
*you're just afraid to fall for the wrong guy

Wanted: cougar says:
*well, enjoy the superficiality, it hurts less
*i want somebody who isn't into the deep emotional crap too
*it's tiring sometimes

___________________________________________

Wanted: cougar says:
*like you, i'm afraid of the future too

-ménage à trois says:
(:
**HUGS





note: 可以想到超越明天的未来，是幸福的。
如果还会机会去担心前程，是奢侈的。我感恩。

恋人未满

ménage à trois.

that, explains a lot, but (not) w/o the sex.







*edited: 29 Oct

明白

過去只不過是
一張張的幻燈片、
一曡厚厚的舊照片、
一本已結束的日記簿。

(:

愛

和你的過去只不過是一場幻燈片。

緊握過的手，是誰的，不再重要。
因爲我。變了，成了... 沒有溫度的戀人。

不能不忘記，不能不丟棄，
這一切已經過期。

當時的我。
相信。

現在，渴望。

time after time

lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new
flash back warm night, almost left behind suitcase of memories
time after sometime you pictured me
i'm walking too far ahead you're callin' to me
i can't hear what you've said then you said,
"go slow, i fall behind" the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey
watching through windows you're wondering if i'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside the drum beats out of time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

you said, "go slow, i fall behind" the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me time after time
if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting time after time

time after time

just as i uploaded our photo, i've backtracked and recounted every single thing you've done and i know, will continue to do for me. the times that you're simply there, sometimes without any words of comfort, it's sufficient. your silent presence feeds me ample of reassurance. and this song which is stuck in my head, eerily just played on the station which i tuned into, is perfect for a dedication, to you.

this's not just what you've done for me time after time.

"if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time if you fall i will catch you, i'll be waiting
time after time"

it's also my promise to you.

it's just..

the road i choose.

the end.

subconsciously, i had set an ultimatum to cure my stupidity- his birthday. it came and passed, yet nothing had stirred. boiling down to a foregone conclusion- i shall waste no more time chasing love, waiting for the past.

time's not the best medicine, but its determined steps would silently prod you on. no one else could reverse the effects of time. still, there's memory for keeps.

so before memory is laid to rest..






every text that i saved (the sweet ones, naughty ones, bitter ones...) were all gone with that phone lost on my birthday, uncannily timely. yet i just don't have the heart to delete any photo of him, of us and the one taken in instant photo booth sleeps in the organizer i carry wherever i go. the handwritten cards were hidden and the venues of hiding forgotten. only to have all the contents, each word every line stamped in my memory. in my head, his child-like smile started to fade. in my heart, its charm not yet lost on me. the last book we bought was banished to an unknown corner of my room, gathering cob webs. the first book we read together, The Time-Traveler's Wife shall always remain as my favourite. the mere sight of UOB One credit card could no longer command the whole platoon of my tears. now only when i see the same initials on print, i'll freeze on the spot. SUVs with Hella lights couldn't cause any more heartaches, nor any black 7 seaters. but i can't help not taking a 2nd glance towards the driver's seat, secretly wishing that maybe it's you. i had long ago blocked him off MSN. still, while looking at his 21st party photos on Facebook, i noticed there was a spot beside him, where i could actually fit. someday, maybe even my mental image of him would twisted till an unfamiliar blur took his place. but the CK In2U Him lingers and had me stopped in my track, hoping to trace it back to him in the sea of crowd.

...the possessive arm which wrapped around me. the constant teasing of my geeky spectacle. the silent quit of his smoking and absence from clubs. the unspoken rule of no endearment which resulted in me nicknamed simply as -girl. the midnight walks back home. the overnighters. the mental snapshots of his family. the supper club of ours, with so many places yet to been. the marathon of movies we watched which unfortunately outrun our relationship. the entrance of her back into the picture, the one (ex)girlfriend who really matters. the unexplained M.I.A. the tears, well, next i became the story of just another girl.

the sudden death of a cherished love.